Can We PLEASE Get Some Talent On This Team?

March 21, 2009 at 10:26 am | Posted in Atlanta Thrashers, Chris Butler, Daniel Briere, Jason Pominville, Jeff Carter, Lindy Ruff, Losing Sucks, Patrick Kaleta, Stick a fork in it, That was absolutely terrible. | 1 Comment

Maybe if we had a few more good players (other than Vanek, Miller, Connolly, and Butler [first NHL goal!  awww!!!]), we could actually win a few games.

But I’m still okay with last night’s loss.  Accepting that the Sabres won’t make the playoffs makes it so much easier to watch them suck.

Poor Lindy.  I wish he could coach a good team.

Sabres, even though I hate you, you’re still all invited to my playoffs party.

There’s still room on the Washington Bandwagon.  You can even get started tonight!

In retrospect, I wish I had whacked Knuble with my purse when I saw him yesterday.  If that was a legit goal, then he shouldn’t have gotten credit.

I actually agreed with Harry Neale during The Whip last night.  It was weird.

Can we please bench Pominville?  Pleeeeaaaasssseee?

I know a lot of people do, but I don’t miss Danny Briere.  I was able to get over him pretty quickly after he signed with Philadelphia.

Pkaleta’s hit on Carter was funny.

The Sabres play the Thrashers two days before they play the Capitals.  I’m so excited.

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Saturday Ramblings

October 25, 2008 at 10:49 am | Posted in Alex Ovechkin, Daniel Briere, Happy!!, Jay McKee, Manny Legace, Randomness, Ryan Miller, What Is Up With All These Injuries? | Leave a comment
  • My arm hurts like HELL.  Geez.  It figures that when I go to get my flu shot, I get the same bitchy lady who gave me my second Gardasil shot and doesn’t even know how to properly administer a shot.  Ugh.
  • I love that freaking pigeon.  And I also loved that ten stupid questions segment!  It proves that Crunchy and I are SOUL-MATES.  We both love chocolate.  He likes brunettes, and I am a brunette.  He sucks at poker, but I’m really good at it and could kick his ass.  We both would choose going out with friends.  Soul-mates, Dear Readers.  Soul-mates.  (And who didn’t love him explaining to Lalime who Ginger and Mary Ann were?)
  • Speaking of Crunchy, I have decided that since he is okay with scoring a goal on his own net, I’m okay with it too.  He just wanted to make me love him more, since he knows that I am crazy for goal-scorers.
  • P.S. to Crunchy: If you hug your BFF after the game tonight, that would be totally awesome.  Just an idea.
  • Danny Briere is out for a couple weeks.  HA!
  • Center Ice is amazing.  Last night we sat around watching hockey, and we’ve already got our game plan for tonight set up.  It’s going to be hectic, with all 30 teams playing, but we think we’ll be able to see a bit of every single game, which is our goal.  (I just hope we won’t have to resort to charts, the way we almost had to last year during the playoffs.  It’s hard keeping all the games you’re watching straight!)
  • Poor Manny.
  • While we were watching the Blues/ Kings game, we decided that my dad has to dig up Jay McKee’s number and send him a nice, friendly text.  We totally miss Jay.
  • Is anyone else, like, totally excited that we’re getting the World  Juniors?  I LOVE international play!!!
  • My dad and I are psychic.  Thursday night I absolutely called Royzie getting the game-winner, and last night my dad showed off a bit of psychic skillz.  We had been watching other games but flipped to the Anaheim/Ottawa one to see the final score.  The Sens had called a time-out and the fans were cheering like crazy.  They weren’t showing the score on the top of the screen.  Frostee: “Stupid Sens fans.  Don’t they realize their loser team is going to lose?”  Frostee’s Dad:  “You never know.  It might be 4-3 or something.”  Then they showed the score, and it was 4-3.  If you need us to call anything, send me an email.  Tonight I will be sitting on the couch, and every time Ovie touches the puck I’m going to shout,  “Oh, I bet ALEX OVECHKIN is going to SCORE A GOAL NOW.”
  • Quakers won last night.  Go OP!!!

My (Male) Teacher is a Puckbunny, Talkin’ Defenders, and Ryan Miller’s Arm Will Get Cut Off

September 19, 2008 at 4:55 pm | Posted in Andrej Sekera, Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres, Chris Drury, Craig Rivet, Daniel Briere, Derek Roy, Frostee Does Predictions!, Henrik Tallinder, Huh?, Jaroslav Spacek, Jason Pominville, Mike Weber, Nathan Paetsch, Ryan Miller, Teppo Numminen, Toni Lydman | 2 Comments

Today in math, quite a few of the kids were wearing Sabres gear (including myself) in honor of the start of training camp, and my teacher jokingly asked one kid if he wanted to buy a Drury jersey.  Naturally, the boy recoiled in disgust, and Mr. Senn promised that he was just joking.  He then went on to say, and I quote, “Nah, I’m just going to take off the three and put on a nine and turn it into a Pominville jersey.”  I know.  My married, male, football coach math teacher is planning on wearing a Pominville jersey to games.  WTF?

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When I opened up the depth chart today online, I realized that I don’t pay one bit of attention to defenders on the ice, unless his name is Toni Lydman and he sucks.  Therefore, this analysis is not going to be very good, and I promise that I will pay more attention this year.  (This might be because I haven’t seen Sabres hockey since freaking MARCH.  That is TOO LONG)

Henrik Tallinder

Last season was: AWESOME when he faked out Marty, but otherwise a bit frustrating.

This season should be: solid defense.

I will admit, I can not get too mad at Henrik after the shootout against New Jersey.  Honestly, I haven’t seen anything quite as badassed as that in a very long time.  But he needs to learn how to defend the freaking goalie the rest of the time.  I vaguely remember being mad at him for not doing that.  

Jaroslav Spacek

Last season was: ….. (how the fuck am I supposed to do that?  I can not remember ANYTHING from last season other than hating losing.  Not making the playoffs is not good for me.  Jaro, tell me, what did you do last year?  I remember you scoring the first goal of the season, but I also remember the Sabres losing that game.  WHAT DID YOU DO?!!?)

This season should be:  solid defense.

Just…don’t leave Crunchy alone.  I get that he sucked out loud most of the time last season, but sometimes it was because YOU and YOUR FELLOW DEFENDERS were not doing their JOB.  

Toni Lydman

Last season was: sucky.

This season should be:  solid defense.  (see a theme?)

Toni Lydman does not know how to play defense.  I lost all faith in him last year, and he better be AMAZING in the first game this year, because that’s all I’m giving him.  Three periods to prove me wrong.

Craig Rivet

Last season was: spent in San Jose.

This season should be:  solid defense, and veteran leadership.

I tacked on the veteran leadership for him because that’s supposedly why we got him.  God knows we need some more on-ice leadership.  We also need some solid defense.  Craig, you better DELIVER.

Nathan Paetsch

Last season was:  ehh

This season should be:  I’m not really sure.

Nathan Paetsch is another one of those guys I don’t really care about.  I also know that if Mike Weber was to replace him on the roster then he would have to clear waivers before he could go to Rochester Portland, and everyone keeps talking about how we can’t risk that, but are they serious?  Because, from what I can remember, (fuck you, Sabres, for not making the playoffs.  I have enough to remember without having to remember how NATHAN PAETSCH, of all people, played last year), losing him doesn’t seem like it would be SUCH a travesty.  But maybe that’s just my opinion.

Andrej Sekera

Last season was: totally awesome.

This season should be:  totally awesome.

After showing just how awesome he is during the end of last season, Andrej Sekera is most definitely feeling the love.  I have complete confidence in him.  I’m not worried at all.

Mike Weber

Last season was:  also pretty awesome.

This season should be:  pretty awesome.

Time to tell you all a secret:  I actually don’t really care all that much if Nathan Paetsch gets snatched up on waivers (because he’s such a hot commodity), if it means that Mike Weber makes the roster.  I LOVE Mike Weber.  In spite of his awkward interviews, I still think he is the shiz.  And that peanut heaven comment only made me love him more.  (Since The Buffalo News is RETARDED, they don’t have archives going back that far.  Maybe they didn’t want evidence of that EMBARRASSING loss to Montreal [it’s actually the one that forced us to put Little Ryan on the deck].  Or maybe they just don’t want easy access to archives.  I bet it was Bucky’s idea.)

Um, why is Teppo Numminen not on the depth chart?  Hmm???  

Teppo Numminen (take THAT, sexy depth chart)

Last season was: spent with his chest cracked open.

This season should be:  all Teppo, all the time!

I love Teppo Numminen just as much as I love Mike Weber.  He’s old, but he’s a foxy type of old, like Harrison Ford.  When he almost cries, it’s hilarious and endearing at the same time.  (quite unlike when Ovie cries, because then I usually fall out of my chair due to my hysterics)  Now that he’s all healthy, he can be more of that solid defense and veteran leadership we need.  He’ll also probably give Pommer a run for his money in the captain competition.

_____________________________________________________________________

So, I mentioned in the title of the post how Ryan Miller will probably lose an arm.  I actually have a perfectly logical explanation for that.  You see, my dad and I were talking earlier about the upcoming season (just like in Crunchy’s house, my dad is the hockey expert here.  The only difference is that I don’t call my  dad by some cutesie name.  I just call him Dad).  I pointed out that this will be a massively confusing season for Sabres fans.  We have no players who need heart surgery.  All our key players are under contract.  What will we do without contract situations to stress about?  Who will we talk about if no one needs a heart valve replaced?!  We have NOTHING to distract us from hockey.  What the HELL are we supposed to do?  I’m a relatively young fan, and I’ve always had to worry in the offseason.  Two years ago it was the whores formally known as Drury and Briere, last year it was Teppo and the whore formally known as Soupy, and even Crunchy!  (at least, I was worried about Crunchy.  I don’t know about anyone else).  EVERYTHING has been going swimmingly thus far, and therefore something very bad is going to happen very soon.  My money is on Crunchy losing an arm, Royzie having a majorly bad hairday, and Pommer breaking his neck.  Nothing this good can last.  

 

The Out-of-Town Sports Fan’s Guide to Buffalo

August 4, 2008 at 12:04 pm | Posted in Bills, Bobbleheads, Buffalo Sabres, Daniel Briere, Happy!!, Jason Pominville, Patrick Kaleta, Patrick Kane, Players, Teppo Numminen | Leave a comment

In the spring of ’07, I went on a People to People trip to Washington, D.C. (this was before I loved the Caps)  I became very close friends with one of my roommates, and I’m really excited because, as part of their vacation, they are stopping at Niagara Falls.  As you know, the Falls are very close to Buffalo.  Duh.

Emily is really nice, and adorable when she watches hockey.  Twice during our stay in D.C. I had to take over the TV to watch the Sabres crush the Islanders (remember when the Sabres used to play playoff games, and win? *sigh*), and every time someone got checked she would wince.  It was really cute.  

My mom was giving her dad directions on the phone to our house yesterday night, and he asked how to get to Ralph Wilson Stadium.  My mom cautioned him that he probably wouldn’t be able to get in.  He said that was fine, he just wanted to see it.

Well, then.  None of us like the Bills all that much (it’s actually kind of a guilt thing that makes us watch them.  We feel like we have to), so we were a bit surprised.  They live near Penn State, so why would they want to see where the Bills play?

My grandparents were over when he called, and since they have both lived in Buffalo for more than eighty years, we started talking about all the sports places in Buffalo we could take them to.  I have compiled this list after our discussion, so in case there is ever a visiting sports fan, he or she knows where to go.

  • Ralph Wilson Stadium, home of the Bills and the first ever Winter Classic.
  • Tim Russert Highway.  Go Bills!
  • The house two streets over from here, where a Bills player used to live.  (we don’t remember who it was)
  • The house one street over, where the Milarkys used to live.  If we are lucky, the new owners will let us inside to see the weird decorating Mrs. Milarky did.  (Painted wood paneling?  Huh?)
  • The house one street over in the other direction, where I babysit.  It is the home of WBEN’s own Susan Rose, who is a huge Bills and Sabres fan.  (And yes, I have been on the radio, but not for sports.  Being the rad geek I am, I talked about Harry Potter last summer.  Oh yeah, I did.)
  • HSBC Arena, home of the Sabres and Bandits. Let’s go Buffalo!
  • Dunn Tire Park, home of the Bisons.
  • One of the Bills Personnel books we have, so we can show the people the picture of my dad from when he worked for the Bills.
  • The townhouse down the street from my grandparents, where Ralph Wilson himself lives.
  • A picture of the van we used to have.  Ralph Wilson once told my grandfather it was a very nice van.
  • St Franny’s, where Patrick Kaleta used to play.
  • South Buffalo, because I don’t know the exact location of the house Patrick Kane grew up in.
  • The Wegmen’s on Sheridan Drive.  If you go there during the regular season, you can see Teppo Numminen and his (supposedly gorgeous) wife or Jason Pominville (who is rumored to look about 15 years old off the ice) shopping in the best grocery store on the planet.
  • The house down the street from one of my dad’s co-workers, where the Brieres used to live.
  • The house up the street from my dad’s same co-worker, where the Dumonts used to live.
  • The Adam’s Mark Hotel, where traveling hockey teams stay.
  • Craig Burn Golf Club, where many Sabres (and ex-Sabres and other hockey players) belong.  You can chat with Michael Peca at the salad bar, observe the Birons enjoying fish fries, share a rain tent with Larry Quinn, hit balls on the driving range with Curtis Brown, and hang out in the pro shop with Todd Marchant.  (Actually, I will be skipping school in mid-September to sneak out to the course with my dad on the day of the Sabres Golf Tournament.)
  • My room, where you could find more pictures or magazines or newspaper articles or bobbleheads relating to hockey than you would ever see elsewhere in your life.

“Are You Crazy, Crunchy?”

July 20, 2008 at 1:01 am | Posted in Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres, Chicago Blackhawks, Chris Drury, Daniel Briere, Ryan Miller | 2 Comments

Scene: Ryan Miller is in Chicago, visiting his girlfriend.  As he is walking down the street, he notices Brian Campbell, who is apartment hunting.  The two greet each other awkwardly.

Crunchy: Hey, Soupy.  What’s up?

Soupy:  (looking around uncomfortably) Oh, uh, hi Ryan.  I’m just, uh, apartment hunting.

Crunchy:  (frowning)  Why are you looking for apartments?

Soupy:  (looking pained)  Well, I, uh, well, I (whispering) I signed a contract with Chicago.

Crunchy:  (jaw drops and asks in disbelief)  You signed with…Chicago?

Soupy:  (wincing)  You know how it is, Ryan!  It’s just business!  Chicago offered me a lot of money, and, well…oh, you’ll just see next summer.

Crunchy:  What do you mean I’ll see next summer?

Soupy:  This is the last year of your contract!  Next summer you’ll be a free agent, and you’ll get to test the market!  And then, when you sign with Detroit, we’ll get to be rivals!  (face lights up at the prospect of being rivals)  It’ll be so cool, Ryan!

Crunchy:  (shaking head gently)  No, Soupy.  It won’t be like that.

Soupy:  (face falls)  What do you mean, Ryan?

Crunchy:  I just signed a 5-year extension with Buffalo.  I’m staying with the Sabres.

Soupy:  (looking shocked)  Are you crazy, Crunchy??  I can’t believe you would do that!  After everything that happened with Dru and Danny last summer, you stayed?  You’re completely crazy!!

Crunchy:  (narrows eyes)  Um, no, I’m not crazy.  And don’t talk to me about those whores. The Sabres have really turned things around.  They signed Goose and Pie, and I’m sure they’ll get Pommer locked up soon.  It’s different, Soupy.  Things have changed

Soupy:  (angrily)  Don’t say that about Danny and Dru.  They’re great guys.  We have a lot in common, and you calling them whores is like calling me a whore.

Crunchy:  (makes “no shit” face)

Soupy:  (gasps)  You think I’m a whore!!  I can’t believe it!  After all we’ve done together!  (voice breaks)  What about at the all-star game two years ago?  What about when you told me you loved me?

Crunchy:  (rolls eyes)  Get over it, Soupy.  That was two years ago!  I’ve moved on, and you need to do the same.  Goose and I just got back from our European vacation.  We’re both really happy and we’re staying put in Buffalo.  Go find a new friend.

Soupy:  (wiping tears)  I can’t believe you moved on, Ryan.  I just thought…I just…

Crunchy:  (raises whompy eyebrow)  What did you think, Brian?  Did you think you could get traded to San Jose and then be a whore and sign for way too much in Chicago, and that we would all rush to Detroit to be your cutesie little rivals?  No way, man.  

Soupy:  (sighs sadly)  Everyone is really signing longterm in Buffalo?

Crunchy:  (nods)

Soupy:  But…I thought everyone was leaving!  That’s why I didn’t stay!!  That’s why I didn’t sign a 5/25 deal!

Crunchy:  Soupy, that 5/25 deal is shit.  It doesn’t even exist.  And Buffalo is glad you’re gone.  Your contract negotiations were making you play shitty.  We needed a solid defenseman, but you didn’t give us that.  We’re glad to see you go.  And we hope you freeze at the Winter Classic next year.

Soupy:  I totally forgot about that!  I’m gonna freeze my ass off at the fucking Winter Classic!

Crunchy:  (shrugs)  Well, that’s your choice.  I’ve gotta go, Soupy.  Best of luck in Chicago.  Maybe you’ll even make the playoffs this year.

Crunchy starts walking down the street.  Soupy hesitates before running to catch up with him.

Soupy:  Ryan, wait!

Crunchy:  (impatiently)  What do you want?

Soupy:  (suddenly uncomfortable again)  Did it matter, Ryan?

Crunchy:  (shrugging again)  It’s in the past, Brian.  

Soupy:  (giving Crunchy pleading look)  But it still mattered, right?  What we had…it counted for something?

Crunchy:  Yes, I guess it did matter.

Soupy reaches forward and embraces Crunchy.

Crunchy:  But it was in the past, Soupy, so leave me the fuck alone.

Crunchy walks down street.  Sabredance is faintly heard as Soupy turns around sadly and walks in the other direction.

 

The Hotties and Notties of the NHL, Part 2

July 18, 2008 at 5:19 pm | Posted in Brian Campbell, Chris Drury, Daniel Alfredsson, Daniel Briere, Drew Stafford, Jordan Staal, Mats Sundin, Maxim Afinogenov, Mike Comrie, Ray Emery, Sean Avery, Sidney Crosby, Thomas Vanek, Tim Connolly, Toni Lydman, Zdeno Chara | 2 Comments

Several days ago, we took a look at the 20 hottest players in the NHL.  Today, we will be focusing on the 20 ugliest guys in the league.

The Notties (In no particular order)

Max Afinogenov, Buffalo Sabres.     Sucking is not hot, Max.  Neither is working for the Russian Mafia.

 

 

Mike Modano, Dallas Stars.  Basically, this is just leftover from the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals.  I actually do kinda like him for looking like Jon Heder’s clone.  And that chipmunk face he made in that Stanley Cup Playoffs promo.

 

Thomas Vanek, Buffalo Sabres.  $50 million is not attractive.  Especially not for the “Vanek Attack.”  It’s also not that attractive admitting on television that when you aren’t playing hockey, you are playing X-box.

 

Brett Hull, Dallas Stars.   YOU SUCK!!!!

 

 

 

Drew Stafford, Buffalo Sabres.  In keeping with my whole, “Jacob is better than Edward” thing, I just have this to say: Drinking the blood of virgins is not attractive, Staffy.  I’m sorry.

 

 

Zdeno Chara, Boston Bruins.  Basically, Zdeno, I’m just scared of what you’ll do to poor, short little Nathan Gerbe next year.  That’s all.

 

 

Mats Sundin, Current Team Unknown.  Okay, Mats.  Either sign that 2 year, $20 million offer in Vancouver so that after an October game we never have to see your overrated ass again, or go to back to Sweden and never bother us again.

 

Dominik Hasek, Detroit Red Wings.

I refused to believe that he’s really retiring, in light of all this Brett Favre drama.  But don’t think I don’t know what you did to get out of Buffalo, Dominik.  Don’t think for a second that we all don’t know.

Daniel Briere, Philadelphia Flyers.  There is nothing hot about a greasy whore.  There isn’t anything hot about spearing a totally innocent guy in the balls, either.

 

Daniel Alfredsson, Ottawa Senators.  We know that your team was sucking majorly, Alfie, but that’s no excuse for firing a puck at Scott Niedermayer’s face.  Getting swept in the first round by a bunch of underaged boys isn’t all that attractive, either.

 

Brian Campbell, Chicago Blackhawks.  There is nothing hot about greed, Soupy.  There isn’t anything hot about your hair with your new ‘hawks jersey either.  I hope you freeze at the Winter Classic this year.

 

 

Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins.  Okay, I am fully aware that I am going to be attacked by a herd of angry Crosby fangirls.  (And angry fanboys)  And please understand, it’s not that I don’t like him.  I do like him.  Actually, I feel really bad for the kid.  He has no friends.  
He has no idea how to do an interview without getting an assistant coach somewhere fired.  I would totally be Sidney’s friend.  I really would.  

All that said, I have to tell you, Sid.  If you have any hope of getting off the Nottie list and onto the Hottie one, you need to stop admitting that Mario talks to you about having safe sex with girls.  Very uncool.

Toni Lydman, Buffalo Sabres.   Just…..no.

 

 

 

Jeff Finger, Toronto Maple Leafs.  

Who are you????

 

 

Tim Connolly, Buffalo Sabres.  I’m really sorry, Timmy.  I do like you, I really do.  It’s just…you’re too, well, fragile for my taste.  Sorry about all this.

 

 

Mike Comrie, New York Islanders.  I am well aware that he is dating Hilary Duff.  I had to wade through a whole mess of pictures of them kissing just to find this one.  But sleeping with your ex-teammate’s wife is not hot.  Infidelity gets you on the Nottie list, Mike.  

 

Jordan Staal, Pittsburgh Penguins.  It’s his mugshot.  Need I say more?

 

 

 

Chris Drury, New York Rangers.  A picture’s worth a thousand words.  Chris Drury, however, is not.

 

 


Sean Avery, Dallas Stars.  I don’t care if Marty Brodeur is fat, and I don’t care if he slept with his wife’s sister-in-law.  He is still a totally badass goalie, and therefore Sean should not be waving his stick like an idiot in front of his face.  No wonder Elisha Cuthbert dumped him.

Ray Emery, Russian League.  I know that he technically no longer plays in the NHL, but I figured for him I could make an exception.  He does drugs, fights with his teammates, and had a convicted rapist on his mask.  N-O-T-T-I-E!

 

 

 

And that about sums it up!  I was really surprised with some of the people who ended up on this list; I guess some guys were just so ugly I blocked out their names.

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