We Have A Lot Of Forwards

August 13, 2009 at 11:06 am | Posted in Alex Ovechkin, Buffalo Sabres, Chicago Blackhawks, Chris Drury, Close Encounters, Contracts, Drew Stafford, Jose Theodore, Mike Grier, Patrick Kane, Semyon Varlamov, Thought-provoking Stuff | 3 Comments

Reviewing the Sabres roster, it would appear as though we have a shitload of forwards, an unsigned Drew Stafford, and a couple Pirates who were hoping to make the jump this year.  I may be a bit late to this party, but the Sabres look like they might need to be making some trades.  I was hoping Nate and Timmy would be able to make the final roster this year, but in light of the current situation, I’m not sure there will be room for them.

I’m really on the fence about resigning Stafford.  They probably do need him in the lineup, but they might be able to trade him for something good.  On the other hand, if the Sabres are right up against the cap it’s not like they’ll be able to trade him away and get something good in return.  I’m quite intrigued by the whole situation.  I’m looking forward to how it all plays out.

Just a few other things:

  • At this point, it’s really old news, but Alex got a tramp stamp.  I’m just not going to comment on that.
  • Even my one cousin, who is far too busy following the Panthers and Gamecocks to pay any attention to another sport like hockey, heard about Kaner getting arrested.  This is a huge deal.
  • Even if when he gets off with just a slap on the wrist, Kane’s still going to have to deal with a crappy reputation.  This whole incident would be a perfect excuse for Chicago to say that with Duncan Keith and Jonathan Toews due contracts next summer too, the ‘Hawks just can’t afford him.  And that’s when the Sabres will swoop in and sign him.  Guys, at some point in his career, maybe even sooner than we thought, Patrick Kane will be a Buffalo Sabre.
  • There’s a huge teeny tiny part of me that wants Chris Drury to come back now that Mike Grier is back.  I know he’s outrageously overpaid, I know he’s underproducing in New York, I know he tried to knock my beloveds out of the playoffs, I know he didn’t like getting harassed by fans at Wegmans, but still.  He fit really well on the Sabres.
  • My dad saw Dan Marino yesterday morning when he was buying a paper.  This is definitely better than the year we saw Jennifer Love Hewitt.
  • Bruce, in an effort to be as cute and adorable as possible, says that Jose enters the camp as the #1 goalie.  Oh, Bruce.  Stop it, you funny old man, you.  Varly has to compete for the starting job?  Really?  Okay, Bruce.
  • Now, I realize that in theory this could be a really interesting competition for the starting job, but really?  I have complete faith in Simeon Simyon.  I believe in him.
  • Speaking of Varly, a while back he changed the spelling of his name.  I understand that he wants people to pronounce it properly, but still.  Dude.  I like the real spelling better.  And now I have to change the spelling on my tag.  (Edit: It’s Semyon, not Simyon.  My bad.)

That Was Quite Poetic

January 10, 2009 at 10:42 am | Posted in Ales Kotalik, Alex Ovechkin, Buffalo Sabres, Chris Drury, Derek Roy, Frostee Loves Way Too Many Guys, Happy!!, New York Rangers, Other Teams' Back-up Goalies Kind of Suck, Ryan Miller, Scott Gomez, Steven Stamkos, Thomas Vanek, Tim Connolly, Tim Connolly must be made of toothpicks and chewing gum, Washington Capitals, Winning Is Totally Awesome | Leave a comment

I’ll be honest with you, Dear Readers.  About halfway through the second period last night, I slipped into that mindset I usually enter when I’ve realized that the Sabres are going to lose.  I usually continue to watch the game, but I might start texting a few more people, or get a magazine to flip through.  I enter that mindset when I see the Sabres have decided to not show up.  Last night, the only Sabre who showed up was Ryan Miller.  I was especially disappointed last night, because I realized my open confidence in the team had done nothing and I would have to go back to tough love.  When Roy scored, the sensible part of my brain told myself that the goal only meant that the Sabres wouldn’t get shut out.  There was a part of me, however, that refused to believe that.  A tiny part of me was thinking that maybe, just maybe, the Sabres could pull off a win.

Heh.  I was right!

It wasn’t pretty near the end.  It went into overtime, and it became clear that it would go into a shootout, and then I freaked out because the Rangers are beasts in the shootout.  Al was the only one to score for the Sabres and Miller stopped the first two, but when Chris Drury came out I knew it was over.  Ryan was right when he said in his post-game interview that Drury has “a flair for the dramatic.”  I even vowed to throw our Rock Band drum set at the TV if Drury scored.  If Ryan hadn’t stopped him, my brother would have murdered me.

Now, last night and again in Bucky’s column today they were talking about how poetic it is that the guy who decided to stay in Buffalo managed to stop they guy who decided to leave.  It certainly was poetic justice in that regard, but it was also poetic for another reason for me.  Dear Readers, if Chris Drury was still a Sabre, I can almost guarantee he would have been named Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.  It’s a good thing Ryan stopped him, because otherwise things would have gotten awkward.

  • No offense to Steve Valiquette or anything, but it kind of looked like he was having some trouble controlling the puck.  He kept dropping his stick and just flopping on it.  I really would have liked it if the Sabres actually got shots on goal in the first period, because I have a feeling that if they tested him they might have actually scored a few goals.
  • I wasn’t all that impressed by Tim Connolly last night.  I know it was his first game back, but a lot of people I had heard yesterday seemed to think Timmy would just take the ice and win the game for the team.  Maybe it was because we were all too busy making Tim Connolly jokes to notice his good plays.  I’m just surprised he didn’t fall apart when he ran into the net.
  • Thomas Vanek must have heard me complaining a few days ago that he needs to start assisting on goals too, because he seems to have been getting quite a few assists lately.  Nice job, Thomas.
  • I have an inexplicable love for Scott Gomez.  I don’t know why, and I don’t know how.  It’s just there.
  • I really liked Derek Roy’s goal.  He just tucked it in between the legs.
  • I don’t want to talk about the Capitals game. (Although I’m definitely up for talking about how adorably dejected they all looked when they showed the bench at the end.  Alex had his helmet pushed back – why do they do that?  It looks so stupid! – and Nick Backstrom and Semin were sitting a few inches down on  the bench with their backs against each other.  They looked positively heart-broken.)  I have a theory about why they lost.  I think it’s because Alex shaved.  Everyone keeps telling me that he had shaved before the Philly game on Tuesday, but since I was busy trying to convince my grandmother on the phone that I’m not a groupie, I didn’t notice.  I get that it was time for his monthly shave and all, but still.  That scruff was lucky.  He shaved away the luck.
  • Apparently Stamkos was a healthy scratch?  Heh.  That’s kind of funny.
  • Ales Kotalik is really good in shootouts.  He’s really, really good.  I like him in shootouts.
  • It was really, really nice to see Ryan win that game tonight.  He was a BEAST.
  • Detroit tonight.  Will Ryan be starting again?  He’s been on fire lately, but what if he starts getting tired?  It has been a very long time since Lalime started.  Wasn’t it back in Washington?

A Serious Question (Happy Holidays!)

December 24, 2008 at 10:31 am | Posted in Alex Ovechkin, Chris Drury, Empty Threats, Happy!!, Jose Theodore, Lars Nicklas Backstrom, Sidney Crosby, Washington Capitals, Winning Is Totally Awesome | 8 Comments

Last night’s Caps game?  Fabulous.  I was really worried that I would have to throw JOKEY Theodore under a bus, but he came through when it really mattered.

Dear Chris Drury,

I’m still laughing over that turnover that led to Alex’s overtime-forcing goal.  Merry Christmas, Captain Clutch!

With Love,

Frostee

Dear Simeon Varlamov,

No worries, man.  Maybe Jose will “tweak his groin” right before the playoffs.

With Love,

Frostee

Dear Nick Backstrom,

You are a beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Swedish boy.  I’m looking forward to seeing you next week.

With Love, 

Frostee

______________________________________________________________

So, here’s the deal.  Since we have a few hockey-free days, I need your help.  I have absolutely no idea what to put on the sign I am making for the game next week.  I was going to put, “Hey, Ovie, I’ll be waiting under the mistletoe!” but my dad is the one going to the game with me and he thinks I’m “way too young” for that.  Ha.  I wasn’t too young for a guy older than thirty to check me out.  Whatevs.  I might end up putting a picture of Mini Alex, or maybe just a picture of the picture frame Twihard gave me and put something along the lines of proclaiming myself his biggest fan.  I’m not sure.  This is a very difficult task.  There are so many different options, I just don’t know what to choose.

Oh, and Weirdo-Creepy Sidney Fanboys Dear Readers?  Please stop leaving obscene comments.  Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion (which must be why you guys love Crosby so much), so you can stop telling me exactly what I can do with my opinions (or what Sidney can do with my mother).  I’m deleting them all, and I’m kind of amused by all your  typos.

Well, I think I’m signing off for Christmas tomorrow.  Enjoy your holidays, everyone!  Eat lots of candy canes for me, and make sure you watch the “A Christmas Story” marathon on TBS!

Thursday Ramblings

October 23, 2008 at 5:02 pm | Posted in Alex Ovechkin, Chris Drury, Jason Pominville, Nathan Paetsch, Randomness, Tim Connolly | 2 Comments

Dear Readers, I just thought I should let you know that you are now reading the blog of a ferocious badass.  You want to know how badass I am?  I’m skipping religion tonight so that I can watch the hockey game.  Technically, it’s because a) I have a really bad cough (I actually diagnosed myself with asthma, and every time I laugh I have an asthma attack.  I was a wreck in Latin) and b) Kristen, my partner for the African country project, might call me tonight if she needs me to email her any more information on Ghana for our poster, and I need to be available.  This is the story I’m sticking with, but when I told my dad I was going he said “Oh, you just don’t want to miss the hockey game, right?”

Psh.  No. Duh.

In other news, Pommer updated his blog!  The latest entry is just more proof to me that I have a TON in common with the Buffalo Sabres.  For example, when asked who the best dancer was, Pommer replied “”I’d have to say myself.   No, I’m just kidding.”   If I was asked who the best dancer was in my group of friends, I would probably say “Duh, me!   No, no, I’m totally shitting you, I’m terrible at dancing.”  It’s like the same thing, except Pommer can’t swear in his because the guys might see it and tell his mommy!

Just for the record, two years I would have LOVED reading his answer to the last question.  Timmy?  Dressed up like Chris?  As a Little League player?!?!  That’s awesome!!  (And also hilarious, since Timmyho is called Timmyho, and two years ago Chris Drury was a model-citizen).  Just in case you were wondering what Mr. Drury looked like after becoming a Little League World Series Champion, here ya go!  (Thanks to Anne at Sabretooth’s House for the picture!)

But now that Timmy is dead to me and Drury is a whore, I find that utterly immature.

(“No, no, I’m totally shitting you, I’m terrible at dancing I still think that’s hilarious.”)

P.S.  Patches, please don’t suck tonight!  I’m not going to suggest punishment if you play poorly, because we all saw how that turned out, but please, for the love of the hockey gods, don’t suck.

P.P.S.  Whoever found this blog searching “alex ovechkin sucks,” LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.  We don’t serve your kind around here.

A Gift From the Hockey Gods

October 4, 2008 at 4:46 pm | Posted in Chris Drury, Evgeni Malkin, Happy!!, Hockey Gods, Marc-Andre Fleury, Marty Gerber, Sidney Crosby | Leave a comment

You know what I am watching right now, Dear Readers?  The Senators/Penguins game.  For no apparent reason, we are getting NHL Network.  It is awesome. 

I have missed Sidney Crosby so much.  I have missed his semi-awkward, random interviews.  I have missed his unnaturally large thighs.  I about died laughing when he looked straight at the camera a minute ago.  He’s so hilarious.  And since this is the first time my mom has seen him being interviewed off the ice, she was very interested.

Mom:  How old is he?

Frostee:  He just turned 21.

Mom:  Where is he from?

Frostee:  Nova Scotia.  He says that everyone is so nice and you’ll make five new friends your first day there, guaranteed.

Mom:  Does he shave?

Frostee:  No.

Mom:  He has girl lips.

Frostee:  *dies laughing*

Mom:  Well, he seems very nice, but I think he’s a little effeminate.

Frostee:  I know!!!  That’s what I’ve always said!!!

Sidney:  [to paraphrase] Yeah, well, once more than one guy starts attacking me it’s kind of hard to defend myself.

Frostee:  That’s because he’s crying so hard.

I love hockey players so much.  You have no idea.

P.S. BGL and Petey are fighting on Friday.  You heard it here first.

P.P.S.  You’d think Gary Bettman would pay a few more people to come, especially if he wants to put NHL teams in Europe.  Gary Bettman is such a retard.

P.P.P.S. Is it just me, or is the ice surface huge?  

P.P.P.P.S.  I’m not talking about the Rangers/Lightning game.  Whatevs.  Now that Captain Whore is in charge, they’re gonna be some big bad team until they collapse in the ECF.  Sound familiar?

P.P.P.P.P.S.  From Frostee, With Love:

Dear Evgeni Malkin,

I like spaghetti too, but I am so over you.  Sorry.

Love,

Frostee

Dear Marc-Andre Fleury,

How are you?  I hope your summer was nice.  Mine was pretty good.  I missed you though.  FPBFE! (Frostee’s Playoff Boyfriend For Evah!)

Love,

Frostee

Dear Marty Gerber,

Dude, you kind of suck.  See ya in divisional match-ups this year!

Love,

Frostee

My (Male) Teacher is a Puckbunny, Talkin’ Defenders, and Ryan Miller’s Arm Will Get Cut Off

September 19, 2008 at 4:55 pm | Posted in Andrej Sekera, Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres, Chris Drury, Craig Rivet, Daniel Briere, Derek Roy, Frostee Does Predictions!, Henrik Tallinder, Huh?, Jaroslav Spacek, Jason Pominville, Mike Weber, Nathan Paetsch, Ryan Miller, Teppo Numminen, Toni Lydman | 2 Comments

Today in math, quite a few of the kids were wearing Sabres gear (including myself) in honor of the start of training camp, and my teacher jokingly asked one kid if he wanted to buy a Drury jersey.  Naturally, the boy recoiled in disgust, and Mr. Senn promised that he was just joking.  He then went on to say, and I quote, “Nah, I’m just going to take off the three and put on a nine and turn it into a Pominville jersey.”  I know.  My married, male, football coach math teacher is planning on wearing a Pominville jersey to games.  WTF?

______________________________________________________________________

When I opened up the depth chart today online, I realized that I don’t pay one bit of attention to defenders on the ice, unless his name is Toni Lydman and he sucks.  Therefore, this analysis is not going to be very good, and I promise that I will pay more attention this year.  (This might be because I haven’t seen Sabres hockey since freaking MARCH.  That is TOO LONG)

Henrik Tallinder

Last season was: AWESOME when he faked out Marty, but otherwise a bit frustrating.

This season should be: solid defense.

I will admit, I can not get too mad at Henrik after the shootout against New Jersey.  Honestly, I haven’t seen anything quite as badassed as that in a very long time.  But he needs to learn how to defend the freaking goalie the rest of the time.  I vaguely remember being mad at him for not doing that.  

Jaroslav Spacek

Last season was: ….. (how the fuck am I supposed to do that?  I can not remember ANYTHING from last season other than hating losing.  Not making the playoffs is not good for me.  Jaro, tell me, what did you do last year?  I remember you scoring the first goal of the season, but I also remember the Sabres losing that game.  WHAT DID YOU DO?!!?)

This season should be:  solid defense.

Just…don’t leave Crunchy alone.  I get that he sucked out loud most of the time last season, but sometimes it was because YOU and YOUR FELLOW DEFENDERS were not doing their JOB.  

Toni Lydman

Last season was: sucky.

This season should be:  solid defense.  (see a theme?)

Toni Lydman does not know how to play defense.  I lost all faith in him last year, and he better be AMAZING in the first game this year, because that’s all I’m giving him.  Three periods to prove me wrong.

Craig Rivet

Last season was: spent in San Jose.

This season should be:  solid defense, and veteran leadership.

I tacked on the veteran leadership for him because that’s supposedly why we got him.  God knows we need some more on-ice leadership.  We also need some solid defense.  Craig, you better DELIVER.

Nathan Paetsch

Last season was:  ehh

This season should be:  I’m not really sure.

Nathan Paetsch is another one of those guys I don’t really care about.  I also know that if Mike Weber was to replace him on the roster then he would have to clear waivers before he could go to Rochester Portland, and everyone keeps talking about how we can’t risk that, but are they serious?  Because, from what I can remember, (fuck you, Sabres, for not making the playoffs.  I have enough to remember without having to remember how NATHAN PAETSCH, of all people, played last year), losing him doesn’t seem like it would be SUCH a travesty.  But maybe that’s just my opinion.

Andrej Sekera

Last season was: totally awesome.

This season should be:  totally awesome.

After showing just how awesome he is during the end of last season, Andrej Sekera is most definitely feeling the love.  I have complete confidence in him.  I’m not worried at all.

Mike Weber

Last season was:  also pretty awesome.

This season should be:  pretty awesome.

Time to tell you all a secret:  I actually don’t really care all that much if Nathan Paetsch gets snatched up on waivers (because he’s such a hot commodity), if it means that Mike Weber makes the roster.  I LOVE Mike Weber.  In spite of his awkward interviews, I still think he is the shiz.  And that peanut heaven comment only made me love him more.  (Since The Buffalo News is RETARDED, they don’t have archives going back that far.  Maybe they didn’t want evidence of that EMBARRASSING loss to Montreal [it’s actually the one that forced us to put Little Ryan on the deck].  Or maybe they just don’t want easy access to archives.  I bet it was Bucky’s idea.)

Um, why is Teppo Numminen not on the depth chart?  Hmm???  

Teppo Numminen (take THAT, sexy depth chart)

Last season was: spent with his chest cracked open.

This season should be:  all Teppo, all the time!

I love Teppo Numminen just as much as I love Mike Weber.  He’s old, but he’s a foxy type of old, like Harrison Ford.  When he almost cries, it’s hilarious and endearing at the same time.  (quite unlike when Ovie cries, because then I usually fall out of my chair due to my hysterics)  Now that he’s all healthy, he can be more of that solid defense and veteran leadership we need.  He’ll also probably give Pommer a run for his money in the captain competition.

_____________________________________________________________________

So, I mentioned in the title of the post how Ryan Miller will probably lose an arm.  I actually have a perfectly logical explanation for that.  You see, my dad and I were talking earlier about the upcoming season (just like in Crunchy’s house, my dad is the hockey expert here.  The only difference is that I don’t call my  dad by some cutesie name.  I just call him Dad).  I pointed out that this will be a massively confusing season for Sabres fans.  We have no players who need heart surgery.  All our key players are under contract.  What will we do without contract situations to stress about?  Who will we talk about if no one needs a heart valve replaced?!  We have NOTHING to distract us from hockey.  What the HELL are we supposed to do?  I’m a relatively young fan, and I’ve always had to worry in the offseason.  Two years ago it was the whores formally known as Drury and Briere, last year it was Teppo and the whore formally known as Soupy, and even Crunchy!  (at least, I was worried about Crunchy.  I don’t know about anyone else).  EVERYTHING has been going swimmingly thus far, and therefore something very bad is going to happen very soon.  My money is on Crunchy losing an arm, Royzie having a majorly bad hairday, and Pommer breaking his neck.  Nothing this good can last.  

 

“Are You Crazy, Crunchy?”

July 20, 2008 at 1:01 am | Posted in Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres, Chicago Blackhawks, Chris Drury, Daniel Briere, Ryan Miller | 2 Comments

Scene: Ryan Miller is in Chicago, visiting his girlfriend.  As he is walking down the street, he notices Brian Campbell, who is apartment hunting.  The two greet each other awkwardly.

Crunchy: Hey, Soupy.  What’s up?

Soupy:  (looking around uncomfortably) Oh, uh, hi Ryan.  I’m just, uh, apartment hunting.

Crunchy:  (frowning)  Why are you looking for apartments?

Soupy:  (looking pained)  Well, I, uh, well, I (whispering) I signed a contract with Chicago.

Crunchy:  (jaw drops and asks in disbelief)  You signed with…Chicago?

Soupy:  (wincing)  You know how it is, Ryan!  It’s just business!  Chicago offered me a lot of money, and, well…oh, you’ll just see next summer.

Crunchy:  What do you mean I’ll see next summer?

Soupy:  This is the last year of your contract!  Next summer you’ll be a free agent, and you’ll get to test the market!  And then, when you sign with Detroit, we’ll get to be rivals!  (face lights up at the prospect of being rivals)  It’ll be so cool, Ryan!

Crunchy:  (shaking head gently)  No, Soupy.  It won’t be like that.

Soupy:  (face falls)  What do you mean, Ryan?

Crunchy:  I just signed a 5-year extension with Buffalo.  I’m staying with the Sabres.

Soupy:  (looking shocked)  Are you crazy, Crunchy??  I can’t believe you would do that!  After everything that happened with Dru and Danny last summer, you stayed?  You’re completely crazy!!

Crunchy:  (narrows eyes)  Um, no, I’m not crazy.  And don’t talk to me about those whores. The Sabres have really turned things around.  They signed Goose and Pie, and I’m sure they’ll get Pommer locked up soon.  It’s different, Soupy.  Things have changed

Soupy:  (angrily)  Don’t say that about Danny and Dru.  They’re great guys.  We have a lot in common, and you calling them whores is like calling me a whore.

Crunchy:  (makes “no shit” face)

Soupy:  (gasps)  You think I’m a whore!!  I can’t believe it!  After all we’ve done together!  (voice breaks)  What about at the all-star game two years ago?  What about when you told me you loved me?

Crunchy:  (rolls eyes)  Get over it, Soupy.  That was two years ago!  I’ve moved on, and you need to do the same.  Goose and I just got back from our European vacation.  We’re both really happy and we’re staying put in Buffalo.  Go find a new friend.

Soupy:  (wiping tears)  I can’t believe you moved on, Ryan.  I just thought…I just…

Crunchy:  (raises whompy eyebrow)  What did you think, Brian?  Did you think you could get traded to San Jose and then be a whore and sign for way too much in Chicago, and that we would all rush to Detroit to be your cutesie little rivals?  No way, man.  

Soupy:  (sighs sadly)  Everyone is really signing longterm in Buffalo?

Crunchy:  (nods)

Soupy:  But…I thought everyone was leaving!  That’s why I didn’t stay!!  That’s why I didn’t sign a 5/25 deal!

Crunchy:  Soupy, that 5/25 deal is shit.  It doesn’t even exist.  And Buffalo is glad you’re gone.  Your contract negotiations were making you play shitty.  We needed a solid defenseman, but you didn’t give us that.  We’re glad to see you go.  And we hope you freeze at the Winter Classic next year.

Soupy:  I totally forgot about that!  I’m gonna freeze my ass off at the fucking Winter Classic!

Crunchy:  (shrugs)  Well, that’s your choice.  I’ve gotta go, Soupy.  Best of luck in Chicago.  Maybe you’ll even make the playoffs this year.

Crunchy starts walking down the street.  Soupy hesitates before running to catch up with him.

Soupy:  Ryan, wait!

Crunchy:  (impatiently)  What do you want?

Soupy:  (suddenly uncomfortable again)  Did it matter, Ryan?

Crunchy:  (shrugging again)  It’s in the past, Brian.  

Soupy:  (giving Crunchy pleading look)  But it still mattered, right?  What we had…it counted for something?

Crunchy:  Yes, I guess it did matter.

Soupy reaches forward and embraces Crunchy.

Crunchy:  But it was in the past, Soupy, so leave me the fuck alone.

Crunchy walks down street.  Sabredance is faintly heard as Soupy turns around sadly and walks in the other direction.

 

The Hotties and Notties of the NHL, Part 2

July 18, 2008 at 5:19 pm | Posted in Brian Campbell, Chris Drury, Daniel Alfredsson, Daniel Briere, Drew Stafford, Jordan Staal, Mats Sundin, Maxim Afinogenov, Mike Comrie, Ray Emery, Sean Avery, Sidney Crosby, Thomas Vanek, Tim Connolly, Toni Lydman, Zdeno Chara | 2 Comments

Several days ago, we took a look at the 20 hottest players in the NHL.  Today, we will be focusing on the 20 ugliest guys in the league.

The Notties (In no particular order)

Max Afinogenov, Buffalo Sabres.     Sucking is not hot, Max.  Neither is working for the Russian Mafia.

 

 

Mike Modano, Dallas Stars.  Basically, this is just leftover from the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals.  I actually do kinda like him for looking like Jon Heder’s clone.  And that chipmunk face he made in that Stanley Cup Playoffs promo.

 

Thomas Vanek, Buffalo Sabres.  $50 million is not attractive.  Especially not for the “Vanek Attack.”  It’s also not that attractive admitting on television that when you aren’t playing hockey, you are playing X-box.

 

Brett Hull, Dallas Stars.   YOU SUCK!!!!

 

 

 

Drew Stafford, Buffalo Sabres.  In keeping with my whole, “Jacob is better than Edward” thing, I just have this to say: Drinking the blood of virgins is not attractive, Staffy.  I’m sorry.

 

 

Zdeno Chara, Boston Bruins.  Basically, Zdeno, I’m just scared of what you’ll do to poor, short little Nathan Gerbe next year.  That’s all.

 

 

Mats Sundin, Current Team Unknown.  Okay, Mats.  Either sign that 2 year, $20 million offer in Vancouver so that after an October game we never have to see your overrated ass again, or go to back to Sweden and never bother us again.

 

Dominik Hasek, Detroit Red Wings.

I refused to believe that he’s really retiring, in light of all this Brett Favre drama.  But don’t think I don’t know what you did to get out of Buffalo, Dominik.  Don’t think for a second that we all don’t know.

Daniel Briere, Philadelphia Flyers.  There is nothing hot about a greasy whore.  There isn’t anything hot about spearing a totally innocent guy in the balls, either.

 

Daniel Alfredsson, Ottawa Senators.  We know that your team was sucking majorly, Alfie, but that’s no excuse for firing a puck at Scott Niedermayer’s face.  Getting swept in the first round by a bunch of underaged boys isn’t all that attractive, either.

 

Brian Campbell, Chicago Blackhawks.  There is nothing hot about greed, Soupy.  There isn’t anything hot about your hair with your new ‘hawks jersey either.  I hope you freeze at the Winter Classic this year.

 

 

Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins.  Okay, I am fully aware that I am going to be attacked by a herd of angry Crosby fangirls.  (And angry fanboys)  And please understand, it’s not that I don’t like him.  I do like him.  Actually, I feel really bad for the kid.  He has no friends.  
He has no idea how to do an interview without getting an assistant coach somewhere fired.  I would totally be Sidney’s friend.  I really would.  

All that said, I have to tell you, Sid.  If you have any hope of getting off the Nottie list and onto the Hottie one, you need to stop admitting that Mario talks to you about having safe sex with girls.  Very uncool.

Toni Lydman, Buffalo Sabres.   Just…..no.

 

 

 

Jeff Finger, Toronto Maple Leafs.  

Who are you????

 

 

Tim Connolly, Buffalo Sabres.  I’m really sorry, Timmy.  I do like you, I really do.  It’s just…you’re too, well, fragile for my taste.  Sorry about all this.

 

 

Mike Comrie, New York Islanders.  I am well aware that he is dating Hilary Duff.  I had to wade through a whole mess of pictures of them kissing just to find this one.  But sleeping with your ex-teammate’s wife is not hot.  Infidelity gets you on the Nottie list, Mike.  

 

Jordan Staal, Pittsburgh Penguins.  It’s his mugshot.  Need I say more?

 

 

 

Chris Drury, New York Rangers.  A picture’s worth a thousand words.  Chris Drury, however, is not.

 

 


Sean Avery, Dallas Stars.  I don’t care if Marty Brodeur is fat, and I don’t care if he slept with his wife’s sister-in-law.  He is still a totally badass goalie, and therefore Sean should not be waving his stick like an idiot in front of his face.  No wonder Elisha Cuthbert dumped him.

Ray Emery, Russian League.  I know that he technically no longer plays in the NHL, but I figured for him I could make an exception.  He does drugs, fights with his teammates, and had a convicted rapist on his mask.  N-O-T-T-I-E!

 

 

 

And that about sums it up!  I was really surprised with some of the people who ended up on this list; I guess some guys were just so ugly I blocked out their names.

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