The Hotties and Notties of the NHL

July 16, 2008 at 6:54 pm | Posted in Alex Ovechkin, Andrew Peters, Brooks Laich, Carey Price, Derek Roy, Evgeni Malkin, Evgeni Nabokov, Henrik Zetterberg, Jason Pominville, Jason Spezza, Marc-Andre Fleury, Mike Green, Nathan Gerbe, Patrick Kaleta, Patrick Kane, Paul Gaustad, Rick DiPietro, Ryan Miller, Vincent Lecavalier | 3 Comments

Since I finally finished Native Son last night, I decided to reward myself with starting this up.  There are many players in the NHL, some hotter than others.  Today, we’ll be taking a look at the 20 hottest players, or Hotties, and tomorrow (or whenever I get to it) we will be examining the Notties.  

The Hotties (in no particular order)

Brooks Laich, Washington Capitals.  You know he’s a Hottie when my mom wanders in during a playoff game intermission interview and goes, “Oh, who’s that?  He’s pretty hot.”  Not only is he a Hottie, he knows it.  Why else would his teammates vote him the biggest ladies’ man?

 

Henrik Zetterberg, Detroit Red Wings.  He’s Swedish.  He’s a hell of a hockey player, and he won the Conn Smythe this year!  I may have been rooting for Pittsburgh, but I still didn’t mind when Henrik decided to score a goal.

 

Paul Gaustad, Buffalo Sabres.  Goose isn’t just some average-joe, superficial Hottie.  Saving the environment and convincing kids to read is hot.  Keep up the good work Goose, and please feel free to make a few more PSAs next year.

 

Patrick Kane, Chicago Blackhawks.  Let me make myself clear.  I am not putting him on here because he’s a Buffalo boy.  He is most certainly Hottie material, especially now that his acne cleared up.  Innocence can be hot, especially when a kid has no problem going on television and talking about how he tapes his stick.

 

Marc-Andre Fleury, Pittsburgh Penguins.  He’s really not that bad to look at, now that he ditched those obnoxious yellow pads.  Listen to him talk for five minutes, and I guarantee you will consider him a Hottie.

 

 

Vincent Lecavalier, Tampa Bay Lightning.  Winning the Stanley Cup is hot.  So is signing an 11-year deal with a team that sucks, even if they do look like they might be a semi-threat this year.

 

 

Okay, so, technically Ryan isn’t in the NHL.  Yet.  But what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t include him on one of my lists?  And it’s not like he’s a *shudder* Nottie!

 

 

Jason Pominville, Buffalo Sabres.  I know, I know.  Pommerdoodle is not exactly a Hottie.  But he’s adorable, kind of like a puppy.  So on the Hottie list he stays.

 

Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals.  You can complain and bitch all you want about how Ovechkin is an ugly fuck and how he’s a geeky emo loser and all that shit.  He’s a Hottie, and deep down you know it.  If it isn’t his killer eyes, then it’s his sense of humor and easy laugh.  And the way he puts up with Mike Milbury’s shit.

Evgeni Malkin, Pittsburgh Penguins.  Let me make this quite clear: I do not like the Penguins.  I like Fleury’s accent, and that their mascot can’t walk on ice without falling, and that’s about it.  However, Hottie list isn’t discriminatory, and therefore Geno makes the cut.  I was a little bit discouraged, however, when I saw how much he likes pda, and I became downright concerned when i saw this.  Making out with drunk, underaged teammates is not cool, Evgeni.  Not cool at all.  Watch yourself.

Evgeni Nabokov, San Jose Sharks.  (I really seem to like the Russians, huh?)  I don’t know.  He’s just adorable.  And he looks a lot like Benjamin Mckenzie.  

 

 

Rick DiPietro, New York Islanders.  His hips suck, and he needs to watch his mouth when he’s mic’d up on television, but while he might not be easy on the ears, he’s definitely easy on the eyes.  Keep it up, Pretty Ricky!

 

Carey Price, Montreal Canadiens.  He’s adorable, and so sweet and young and innocent.  I was rooting for him in the playoffs, and it was kinda sad to see the poor kid collapse under the pressure.  I’m sure that with time, he’ll be a great, Hottie goaltender.

Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators.  Jason, I hate you.  I hate you for playing for the Senators.  I hate you for having that lopsided grin and that cute face.  I hate you for saying that you would pose for Playgirl for free.  I hate you.

Cruncy Miller, Buffalo Sabres.  Crunchy Miller is not a Hottie.  His eyebrows are uneven, and it has actually started to bug me.  But his blog is hilarious, his analytical interviews are always enjoyable, and his sense of style questionable.  

 

Andrew Peters, Buffalo Sabres.  Petey isn’t really a Hottie on the outside, but a great sense of humor is quite hot.  So is a questionable sexuality.  Carry on, Petey.

 

Derek Roy, Buffalo Sabres.  Petey’s better half may be a diver, but he’s a hot one.  He really stepped his game up this year, and that’s hot.  

 

 

Nathan Gerbe, Buffalo Sabres/ Rochester Americans.  Forget that he was a runner-up for the Hobey Baker, that his team won the Frozen Four and his was the MVP, and led everyone in scoring (too lazy to fact-check).  He’s short.  And his sings Rascal Flatts in the locker room.  Hottie!!

Patrick Kaleta, Buffalo Sabres/ Rochester Americans.  He’s a homeboy!  (But we are ignoring the fact that he played at St. Francis)  Being a Buffalo fan, I love his hard-hitting style.  The coaches had to tell him to take it down a notch during the prospect camp!  He lives at home.  His first NHL goal was overshadowed by Richard Zednik nearly being beheaded.  Patrick Kaleta, you are a Hottie.

Mike Green, Washington Capitals.  Last, but certainly not least, Mike Green shows off his Hottie stuff by getting playoff mohawks and leading defensemen in goals.  And, of course, teddy bears are hot.

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