My (Male) Teacher is a Puckbunny, Talkin’ Defenders, and Ryan Miller’s Arm Will Get Cut Off

September 19, 2008 at 4:55 pm | Posted in Andrej Sekera, Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres, Chris Drury, Craig Rivet, Daniel Briere, Derek Roy, Frostee Does Predictions!, Henrik Tallinder, Huh?, Jaroslav Spacek, Jason Pominville, Mike Weber, Nathan Paetsch, Ryan Miller, Teppo Numminen, Toni Lydman | 2 Comments

Today in math, quite a few of the kids were wearing Sabres gear (including myself) in honor of the start of training camp, and my teacher jokingly asked one kid if he wanted to buy a Drury jersey.  Naturally, the boy recoiled in disgust, and Mr. Senn promised that he was just joking.  He then went on to say, and I quote, “Nah, I’m just going to take off the three and put on a nine and turn it into a Pominville jersey.”  I know.  My married, male, football coach math teacher is planning on wearing a Pominville jersey to games.  WTF?

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When I opened up the depth chart today online, I realized that I don’t pay one bit of attention to defenders on the ice, unless his name is Toni Lydman and he sucks.  Therefore, this analysis is not going to be very good, and I promise that I will pay more attention this year.  (This might be because I haven’t seen Sabres hockey since freaking MARCH.  That is TOO LONG)

Henrik Tallinder

Last season was: AWESOME when he faked out Marty, but otherwise a bit frustrating.

This season should be: solid defense.

I will admit, I can not get too mad at Henrik after the shootout against New Jersey.  Honestly, I haven’t seen anything quite as badassed as that in a very long time.  But he needs to learn how to defend the freaking goalie the rest of the time.  I vaguely remember being mad at him for not doing that.  

Jaroslav Spacek

Last season was: ….. (how the fuck am I supposed to do that?  I can not remember ANYTHING from last season other than hating losing.  Not making the playoffs is not good for me.  Jaro, tell me, what did you do last year?  I remember you scoring the first goal of the season, but I also remember the Sabres losing that game.  WHAT DID YOU DO?!!?)

This season should be:  solid defense.

Just…don’t leave Crunchy alone.  I get that he sucked out loud most of the time last season, but sometimes it was because YOU and YOUR FELLOW DEFENDERS were not doing their JOB.  

Toni Lydman

Last season was: sucky.

This season should be:  solid defense.  (see a theme?)

Toni Lydman does not know how to play defense.  I lost all faith in him last year, and he better be AMAZING in the first game this year, because that’s all I’m giving him.  Three periods to prove me wrong.

Craig Rivet

Last season was: spent in San Jose.

This season should be:  solid defense, and veteran leadership.

I tacked on the veteran leadership for him because that’s supposedly why we got him.  God knows we need some more on-ice leadership.  We also need some solid defense.  Craig, you better DELIVER.

Nathan Paetsch

Last season was:  ehh

This season should be:  I’m not really sure.

Nathan Paetsch is another one of those guys I don’t really care about.  I also know that if Mike Weber was to replace him on the roster then he would have to clear waivers before he could go to Rochester Portland, and everyone keeps talking about how we can’t risk that, but are they serious?  Because, from what I can remember, (fuck you, Sabres, for not making the playoffs.  I have enough to remember without having to remember how NATHAN PAETSCH, of all people, played last year), losing him doesn’t seem like it would be SUCH a travesty.  But maybe that’s just my opinion.

Andrej Sekera

Last season was: totally awesome.

This season should be:  totally awesome.

After showing just how awesome he is during the end of last season, Andrej Sekera is most definitely feeling the love.  I have complete confidence in him.  I’m not worried at all.

Mike Weber

Last season was:  also pretty awesome.

This season should be:  pretty awesome.

Time to tell you all a secret:  I actually don’t really care all that much if Nathan Paetsch gets snatched up on waivers (because he’s such a hot commodity), if it means that Mike Weber makes the roster.  I LOVE Mike Weber.  In spite of his awkward interviews, I still think he is the shiz.  And that peanut heaven comment only made me love him more.  (Since The Buffalo News is RETARDED, they don’t have archives going back that far.  Maybe they didn’t want evidence of that EMBARRASSING loss to Montreal [it’s actually the one that forced us to put Little Ryan on the deck].  Or maybe they just don’t want easy access to archives.  I bet it was Bucky’s idea.)

Um, why is Teppo Numminen not on the depth chart?  Hmm???  

Teppo Numminen (take THAT, sexy depth chart)

Last season was: spent with his chest cracked open.

This season should be:  all Teppo, all the time!

I love Teppo Numminen just as much as I love Mike Weber.  He’s old, but he’s a foxy type of old, like Harrison Ford.  When he almost cries, it’s hilarious and endearing at the same time.  (quite unlike when Ovie cries, because then I usually fall out of my chair due to my hysterics)  Now that he’s all healthy, he can be more of that solid defense and veteran leadership we need.  He’ll also probably give Pommer a run for his money in the captain competition.

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So, I mentioned in the title of the post how Ryan Miller will probably lose an arm.  I actually have a perfectly logical explanation for that.  You see, my dad and I were talking earlier about the upcoming season (just like in Crunchy’s house, my dad is the hockey expert here.  The only difference is that I don’t call my  dad by some cutesie name.  I just call him Dad).  I pointed out that this will be a massively confusing season for Sabres fans.  We have no players who need heart surgery.  All our key players are under contract.  What will we do without contract situations to stress about?  Who will we talk about if no one needs a heart valve replaced?!  We have NOTHING to distract us from hockey.  What the HELL are we supposed to do?  I’m a relatively young fan, and I’ve always had to worry in the offseason.  Two years ago it was the whores formally known as Drury and Briere, last year it was Teppo and the whore formally known as Soupy, and even Crunchy!  (at least, I was worried about Crunchy.  I don’t know about anyone else).  EVERYTHING has been going swimmingly thus far, and therefore something very bad is going to happen very soon.  My money is on Crunchy losing an arm, Royzie having a majorly bad hairday, and Pommer breaking his neck.  Nothing this good can last.  

 

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2 Comments »

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  1. I don’t get the Geometry teacher thing. I mean, I was there, but whats so bad about him having a Pomminville jersey?

  2. […] all, I would just like to say oh fuck.  But now that I think about it, I should really be saying I told you so.  Because did I not warn that something like this would happen?  Yeah.  I know.  I did. […]


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