“Are You Crazy, Crunchy?”

July 20, 2008 at 1:01 am | Posted in Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres, Chicago Blackhawks, Chris Drury, Daniel Briere, Ryan Miller | 2 Comments

Scene: Ryan Miller is in Chicago, visiting his girlfriend.  As he is walking down the street, he notices Brian Campbell, who is apartment hunting.  The two greet each other awkwardly.

Crunchy: Hey, Soupy.  What’s up?

Soupy:  (looking around uncomfortably) Oh, uh, hi Ryan.  I’m just, uh, apartment hunting.

Crunchy:  (frowning)  Why are you looking for apartments?

Soupy:  (looking pained)  Well, I, uh, well, I (whispering) I signed a contract with Chicago.

Crunchy:  (jaw drops and asks in disbelief)  You signed with…Chicago?

Soupy:  (wincing)  You know how it is, Ryan!  It’s just business!  Chicago offered me a lot of money, and, well…oh, you’ll just see next summer.

Crunchy:  What do you mean I’ll see next summer?

Soupy:  This is the last year of your contract!  Next summer you’ll be a free agent, and you’ll get to test the market!  And then, when you sign with Detroit, we’ll get to be rivals!  (face lights up at the prospect of being rivals)  It’ll be so cool, Ryan!

Crunchy:  (shaking head gently)  No, Soupy.  It won’t be like that.

Soupy:  (face falls)  What do you mean, Ryan?

Crunchy:  I just signed a 5-year extension with Buffalo.  I’m staying with the Sabres.

Soupy:  (looking shocked)  Are you crazy, Crunchy??  I can’t believe you would do that!  After everything that happened with Dru and Danny last summer, you stayed?  You’re completely crazy!!

Crunchy:  (narrows eyes)  Um, no, I’m not crazy.  And don’t talk to me about those whores. The Sabres have really turned things around.  They signed Goose and Pie, and I’m sure they’ll get Pommer locked up soon.  It’s different, Soupy.  Things have changed

Soupy:  (angrily)  Don’t say that about Danny and Dru.  They’re great guys.  We have a lot in common, and you calling them whores is like calling me a whore.

Crunchy:  (makes “no shit” face)

Soupy:  (gasps)  You think I’m a whore!!  I can’t believe it!  After all we’ve done together!  (voice breaks)  What about at the all-star game two years ago?  What about when you told me you loved me?

Crunchy:  (rolls eyes)  Get over it, Soupy.  That was two years ago!  I’ve moved on, and you need to do the same.  Goose and I just got back from our European vacation.  We’re both really happy and we’re staying put in Buffalo.  Go find a new friend.

Soupy:  (wiping tears)  I can’t believe you moved on, Ryan.  I just thought…I just…

Crunchy:  (raises whompy eyebrow)  What did you think, Brian?  Did you think you could get traded to San Jose and then be a whore and sign for way too much in Chicago, and that we would all rush to Detroit to be your cutesie little rivals?  No way, man.  

Soupy:  (sighs sadly)  Everyone is really signing longterm in Buffalo?

Crunchy:  (nods)

Soupy:  But…I thought everyone was leaving!  That’s why I didn’t stay!!  That’s why I didn’t sign a 5/25 deal!

Crunchy:  Soupy, that 5/25 deal is shit.  It doesn’t even exist.  And Buffalo is glad you’re gone.  Your contract negotiations were making you play shitty.  We needed a solid defenseman, but you didn’t give us that.  We’re glad to see you go.  And we hope you freeze at the Winter Classic next year.

Soupy:  I totally forgot about that!  I’m gonna freeze my ass off at the fucking Winter Classic!

Crunchy:  (shrugs)  Well, that’s your choice.  I’ve gotta go, Soupy.  Best of luck in Chicago.  Maybe you’ll even make the playoffs this year.

Crunchy starts walking down the street.  Soupy hesitates before running to catch up with him.

Soupy:  Ryan, wait!

Crunchy:  (impatiently)  What do you want?

Soupy:  (suddenly uncomfortable again)  Did it matter, Ryan?

Crunchy:  (shrugging again)  It’s in the past, Brian.  

Soupy:  (giving Crunchy pleading look)  But it still mattered, right?  What we had…it counted for something?

Crunchy:  Yes, I guess it did matter.

Soupy reaches forward and embraces Crunchy.

Crunchy:  But it was in the past, Soupy, so leave me the fuck alone.

Crunchy walks down street.  Sabredance is faintly heard as Soupy turns around sadly and walks in the other direction.



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  1. Enjoyed reading through your new blog. Love this Soupy/Crunchy dialogue. Started a new one of my own (Sharks related) and am trying to develop a network of half-decent hockey blogs. I’ll add you to my Blogroll. Keep the posts coming!

    SoCalShark @ http://fishoutofwater2.wordpress.com/

  2. ok. i laughed like, super hard reading this but- Soupy is pretty cool. you are all jealous of his flaming read hair and (as i quote one of my peers) Sid is the whore. not soupy. soupy is too dim witted to take part in something like that

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