First of all, I would just like to say oh fuck. But now that I think about it, I should really be saying I told you so. Because did I not warn that something like this would happen? Yeah. I know. I did.
Choosing Crunchy as Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend is looking like an even better decision in light of all this, because while I am definitely freaking out for the well-being of the Sabres and Goose, I haven’t completely lost it, which I would have if I had chosen to entrust my heart to Goose.
And while I appreciate you asking about the global test today, I have decided that I am NOT talking about it. No fucking way. That was hands-down the WORST test I ever took. End of story.
I will, however, talk about how my mom is hilarious and bought me a copy of the new issue of ESPN when she was at Border’s today even though the fantabulous Corinne is giving me her issue when her family is done. Oh well. Now I can cut out that bitchin’ picture of Alex in the Oval Office from one issue to put on The Wall and keep the other one together so that I will be able to read the article and see the hilarious picture of Backstrom looking all foxy as a secret service agent.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again: ESPN didn’t completely screw the article. I never read ESPN. Hell, I never WATCH ESPN, because it’s stupid and retarded and I was so sick of seeing Brett Favre all summer that I wanted to shoot myself. It was therefore a pleasant surprise to see that they didn’t tarnish the good name of Alex Ovechkin. I took a few pictures of my first copy of the magazine, which are below for your viewing pleasure.
The picture on the cover is definitely the worst picture of Ovie I have ever seen. I actually cringed when I first saw it, and had to quickly pull up the picture of foxy Crunchy (why is everything suddenly so “foxy” to me?) to keep myself from going blind. I hope my retinas didn’t suffer severe damage.
I like my presidents YUMMY.
In my opinion, this picture totally makes up for that ugly thing we had to see on the cover. Ready for the close-up?
And, of course, where would President Ovechkin be without his trusty secret service?
As for the article itself, I thought it was really cute how they managed to make all those connections between being president and playing for the Caps. I especially loved Brooks Laich talking about Ovie’s ugly sweatpants (you know, D.C. is overrun with homeless people to show Congress how the poor live. I know this. Every time I take a school trip [and People to People] they tell us not to make eye contact with any homeless people. Maybe Ovie just never have a weirdo tour guide to tell him not to make eye contract), Greenie having a “no-way-I’m-going-out-like-that” look, and Ovie ordering McDonald’s after he won all his awards. After a bad experience with McDonald’s and McTummyaches when I was on my school trip in D.C. last year, the only Micky D’s I’ll eat is fries or a McFlurry, but I think even those would taste even McYummier with Mr. President.
He definitely gets my vote.
P.S. If you want to read the whole article, it can be found here. Figures I found the link online right after I take all the pictures of my copy of the magazine and upload them. Whatevs. Enjoy.
P.P.S. I fully just ordered The Glass Passenger on Amazon and paid six extra dollars to ensure that it will be here by Thursday. I was going to pay $11 to have it here by tomorrow afternoon (guaranteed!), but apparently paying $11 to have a CD that’s running for $9.99 is “wasteful.” Just like paying $22 shipping for a $24 hat is “ridiculous.”
…Pan-Am Flight 103 blew up over Scotland because Kadaffi of Libya was PMSing. There. I just have to remember that for the test tomorrow and I should be okay.
I literally have about 30 seconds before I have to go take a shower and have my violin lesson and study before Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill start tonight, so I have just a few things to say today.
- As further proof that I am dyslexic (or maybe just retarded or something), I for some reason thought that Michael Funk wore 4 last year when Weber wore 34. I was wrong. My favorite flounder man (Nolan Pratt totally looked like a flounder, his eyes were so close to his nose!) wore 4 last season. Talk about out of sight, out of mind, eh?
- Patrick Lalime’s kids are SO FREAKING ADORABLE. My God. I don’t think mine and Pkane’s kids’ll be that cute, which is saying something, because our kids are going to be AMAZING.
- Not only does Patrick Lalime have really cute daughters, he also seems like he might be a reliable backup, which has me confuse since I’m so used to freaking out about backups.
- Mr. Frederick is the BEST English teacher ever because he basically told me what to say for the literary techniques part of my essay. He seemed to realize that I don’t really give a flying fuck about Chinua Achebe and Things Fall Apart.
- I flipped through the new ESPN Magazine in the library today instead of studying, and while I don’t have the proper time now to devote to the article, I must say that ESPN really surprised my by not putting out a completely sucky article. It wasn’t as random as some of the other ones I’ve read, but it also didn’t completely suck. Well done, ESPN. Well done. (And well done to whoever styled Ovie for the picture on the inside, where he was looking all foxy and presidential. And more warm fuzzies to whoever set up that picture with Semin [I think it was him?], Backstrom, and Clark looking like secret service agents with hockey sticks. That was HILARIOUS.)
- The Buffalo Bills are officially badass. Trent Edwards, welcome to my heart. Y’all better not break it.
Okay so before I start this, I would just like to say that last night’s red carpet/game sounded totally AWESOME. I’m going to direct you over to Anne at Sabretooth’s House for the red carpet analysis since she seemed to hit all the key points. I am SO listening to the game on the radio tonight.
But anyway, on to today’s Reason. Thanks to the wonderful Corinne (who has subscriptions to some bitchin’ magazines) I will soon be receiving the new issue of ESPN magazine. Dear Readers, you get one guess who is on the cover.
Ha! I know! Ovie as a president!! Is that not the BEST idea you have EVER heard? I think it is, even though it’s not the first time people have mentioned Alex running our country. The following is a (hopefully) verbatim transcript from an interview Ovie gave last spring. Even my mom thought it was hilarious.
Reporter: I saw a sign at a game that said “Ovie for president”
AMO: Interesting. What did they mean by that?
Reporter: Either next year the Caps win the President’s Trophy as the team with the best record in the NHL, or you run for president of the United States.
AMO: I don’t think that would work. I am Russian.
^ I would just like to point out that when I first read that, I commented how he would be a hell of a lot more qualified than some of the people running.
So, hopefully tomorrow I will get the magazine from Corinne. She sent me a picture of the cover, and it is quite possibly the WORST picture I have ever seen in my life. It sounds like the pictures on the inside aren’t as bad, but just as funny. I can’t wait to read the article. I LOVE those random articles people write about him where they say the most obsolete things.
So my dad’s friend stopped by to see if Dad wanted to golf tomorrow. While we were all talking, it came up that his wife and daughter had gone to the Bills game last week with one of her friends and her friend’s daughter. Guess who that friend’s daughter is. Are you ready for this?
Patrick Kane’s girlfriend. I know!!!!
Apparently Patty is doing well, and he bought a really nice condo in downtown Chicago. Guess he didn’t wanna live with the assistant GM anymore. I then informed my dad’s friend that while Pkane’s girlfriend may be a lovely young woman, my grandma is expecting me to marry him, and I can’t let grandma down.
So, yeah. Just thought I’d let you know that Patty is proving he’s a big boy by getting his own place. I’m going to have to go visit him or something.
That’s right, Dear Readers! I am naming the first ever Frostee’s Political Boyfriend! While I may not have been talking about the competition on here, I have been running it in my head for quite a while. Ready for the winner?
I realize that right now you might be saying how cliche it is for me to be all swoony over Barack, but I actually have very legitimate reasons. First of all, he’s SO much more fun to listen to than John McCain. Second, his daughters are adorable. Third, I HATE Sarah Palin. I hate her SO MUCH. I don’t care if we would fare better economically under John McCain. Aside from the fact that he is an obnoxious Republican, I don’t think I could handle four years of, “What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?”
And, of course, there’s the fact that last night during the debate Barack looked my mom in the eyes and told her to buy me a laptop. If I hadn’t loved him before, I sure as hell did after that. A laptop of my own has become a bit of a sore spot with the family, because I have been spending about 99% of my time on it (and 98% of that time spent on the laptop is spent doing homework. No joke.) Whenever someone else in the family needs to check emails or something, I’m sitting there discussing interdependency in the United States or comparing Things Fall Apart with the essay Shooting an Elephant. And, I’m happy to report, there’s actually a pretty good chance I’ll be getting one of my own come Christmas time. Thank you, Barack Obama. I hope you enjoy your time as Frostee’s Political Boyfriend.
So since it’s Friday and we had early dismissal I actually had a chance to BREATHE this afternoon, before I dove into the shitload of homework I have, I downloaded the Media Guide. I have to say, overall, there weren’t too many surprising things in there. Everyone loves chicken and rice/pasta, U2 and DMB are amazing, their parents are the most influential people in their lives, and they’ve been playing hockey forever. A few notes from my quick read-through:
- Tim Connolly is smiling. I…I just don’t understand that. And apparently he would own a winery if he wasn’t a hockey player. (I really liked seeing what a few of the players would be doing if they weren’t hockey players)
- WTF, Pkaleta? Kaltsy? Kaltsy? That is the most RANDOM nickname I have ever heard. I’m going to agree with Anne and just assume that the players just take part of their name and add -sy. But I still think Kaltsy is the most retarded nickname ever.
- I think it’s really cute that all Patrick Lalime had to say about himself is that he and his wife, Marie-Helene, have two daughters whose names are Liliana and Rosemary. They sound like names of elves in the Inheritance Trilogy Cycle (which, by the way, I finished. 😥 The first 600 pages were terrible, but the last 200 made up for it, in my opinion).
- Tony Lydman’s picture is, well, classic Toni Lydman.
- Clarke MacArthur’s picture makes my kind of wonder why I thought he was so hot last year. His hair, it’s just so…ew.
- Adam Mair basically wants to STEAL MY HEART (sorry M.J.) by telling me that if he wasn’t playing hockey, he would probably be a teacher. Why don’t you just go end genocide in Darfur while you’re at it, Adam.
- Oh, Crunchy. How I love you so. (I think they used the exact same interests/hobbies thing from last year, which makes me think they are slackers. I have also been operating under the assumption that since Rachel McAdams is his favorite actress, he will watch The Notebook with me whenever I want and come with me to see The Time-Traveler’s Wife. Especially since according to Drew Stafford, guys actually like chick flicks.)
- I love how Petey listed his brother as one of the most influential people in his life, since here at Frostee’s House we LOVE Geoff. He’s basically awesome.
- Pommer’s favorite team growing up was the Green Bay Packers (if it turns out he is one of those Brett Favre fan boys, I am taking his picture off The Wall), and the best concert he ever went to was Justin Timberlake (first of all, I thought Kanye was his favorite! And second, according to my friend Erin, who ran into him at that very same concert, he claims “Soupy had an extra ticket and made me come!” The poor dear.)
- Craig Rivet’s biggest pet peeves are cockiness and arrogance, but I really don’t care what he has to say because he doesn’t even wanna be in Buffalo. If his play shows that, I will have to burn down his house.
- We’ve already figured out that Derek Roy loves his boat, “Love Potion #9” (I’m going along with the theory that Petey named it. It seems like something he would do), but did you know that he also likes playing cards and vids? Derek Roy is a gamer. Who’da thunk?
- Staffy is smiling as well. I’m not sure if I like the new, happy versions of Drew Stafford and Tim Connolly. Zach Parise is his favorite athlete (awww!!!) and he collects arcade games (hmmm). And what the hell is up with D-Money?
- Henrik Tallinder, call me sometime and we’ll watch Shrek. (Shrek, man? Shrek? That’s amazing.) And is it just me, or is saying that he’d be a ski instructor if he wasn’t a hockey player very Swedish of him?
- Whoever cut Thomas Vanek’s hair should be killed. Is he harboring some sort of secret desire to look like his little froufrou dog? (Frostee’s Dad literally choked on his drink when I told him this. We have a yellow lab, after all, and he very much dislikes small dogs)
- If someone finds me a picture of “Webs” boating with Derek Roy, I think I will die laughing.
- Not only is my BFF Gerb-dogg rocking a soulpatch, he also looks incredibly cuddly. If I ever meet him, I think I will have to cuddle with him (in a totally friendly way).
Today in Honors Global, since all we learn about is sunshine and lollipops in that class, we discussed exactly what would happen if some jackass decided to drop a 1 megaton hydrogen bomb on City Hall. Like I said, sunshine and lollipops. (Earlier in the week we talked about different kinds of terrorism, and before that it was genocide.) But anyway, we talked about what would happen, and then we discussed how there’s a very good chance there might be another Cold War, since the U.S. and Russia are pissing each other off. While everyone else in my class was freaking out over our inevitable demise, I was thinking. I realized that I could save the world from another Cold War, one with much more deadly effects. My plan, you may ask? This is my plan:
I will seduce Alex Ovechkin.
Is that not the most perfect plan ever? Alex is one of Russia’s most loved sons!! (Or, at least, I like to think that) Russia wouldn’t dare nuke the U.S. if they knew that Alex Ovechkin’s heart belonged to an American! It’s perfect!!! I get Alex, Alex gets me, and there’s no Cold War II! My plan is FLAWLESS, I tell you. FLAWLESS.
Scene: Frostee and her dad are sitting right up in front of the TV in the basement. They don’t get the NHL Network since they didn’t renew Center Ice since they’re switching to FiOS, but when they put on the DirecTv sports mix they can watch it in a tiny little box in the corner. They are squinting at the television trying to figure out who is who. Suddenly, the player wearing the ‘C’ takes off his helmet, revealing a shiny bald head.
Frostee: What the HELL?
Frostee’s Dad: Who is it?
Frostee: WHO gave TIM CONNOLLY the ‘C’??
Frostee’s Dad: How can you even tell? He’s like two inches tall.
Frostee and Frostee’s dad continue to watch the game, but remain in shock over Lindy Ruff’s apparent brain aneurism. Why else would he have named Tim Connolly the captain? (Unless…Timmy, WHO did you sleep with to get that ‘C’? That was nasty. You know Pommer wouldn’t do that!!) Suddenly, the commentator (why doesn’t NHL Network use RJ? RJ ROCKS!) says how Gerbe is on the ice, and is proving how wonderful and fabulous he is.
Frostee’s Dad: Which one is Gerbe?!?
Frostee: The small one!
Frostee frowns as the commentator mentions Mike Weber and the camera shows a guy in a 4 jersey. Mike Weber was 34 last year, she was sure of it.*
Frostee: Who is the retard doing play by play? Funk is 4, Weber is 34. God.
Frostee’s Dad: Which one are they talking about?
Frostee: The small one! But wait…that can’t be…but it is! Why is Mike Weber wearing the 34?? That is complete and total BULLHONKY.
Hilarity ensues again when one of the Canadiens gets sent off to a penalty box that was built for a five year old. There may or may not have been tears of mirth as the player had to stand on the seat in the box so they could close the door.
Frostee: Oh my God.
Frostee’s Dad: He can’t fit in the box!!
A hush falls over the room when TimmyHo is drilled head first into the boards.
Frostee: Well, that’s the shortest season I’ve ever seen.
Frostee’s Dad: Wait, he’s getting up!
And just when the women of Buffalo thought they were safe.
More hilarity ensues in the third period, when Gerb-dogg scores and then celebrates with TimmyHo. Poor Gerb-dogg came up to TimmyHo’s elbow.
Frostee’s Dad: This game had better not go into overtime.
Frostee: Why would they do overtime? It’s such a waste.
Frostee’s Dad leaves the room for a while, then comes back.
Frostee’s Dad: I just checked a map. Roberville is up near the Arctic Circle. They literally had to drive to the middle of nowhere to get to the game.
Just when Frostee and Frostee’s Dad thought the Sabres might work their magic and score the tying goal in the dying seconds of the game, the referee who was smoking weed in between periods decides to drop the puck while Royzie is still over by the bench. Anyone who sends me that referee’s head on a plate wins a Reader Award.
Frostee: Did he just…?
Frostee’s Dad: I think he just dropped the puck without a Sabre!
Frostee: What the HELL.
And that about sums up the game.
*I figured out a few days later that Nolan Pratt wore 4. Heehee. Sorry ’bout that.
I’m operating under the assumption that if I keep telling myself that the preseason doesn’t count, especially the first game, then it will all be okay. Because if last night is any indication of what this season might bring, I am going to jump off a bridge. 7-4, Sabres? WTF! I DO NOT care that most of your veterans were not playing. I DO NOT give one single shit. It was TORONTO, for crying out loud! You should not lose 7-4 to TORONTO!!
And what the hell, Crunchy? I get that it’s the first game and all, but still. 3 goals on 11 shots is NOT going to work. I mean, even my dad, who wasn’t at all worried by the lost, got this evil look in his eye when Miller came up. If it had been Lalime, he would have skipped off to work without a care in the world, but since he hates Ryan Miller like you wouldn’t believe (his coworkers all think it’s hilarious that he hates him so much and I love him so much. They always bring it up and then I have to defend my darling Crunchy), there wasn’t very much Crunchy-love this morning.
My heart did, however, burst with pride when we were checking the online game recap and saw that Petey got thrown out in the first period. What would the Sabres be without him?
In other Petey related news, I got the autographs today! Yay!!!
As you can see, not only is Gerb-dogg comfortable (or lazy) enough to use one of his many nicknames, “Nate,”, he also feels as though he is already the heart of the team and signed right in the middle. This is SO going on The Wall!
In other news, DirecTv is being all obnoxious and trying to win me back, even though the satellites don’t even work. (That guy who said it was because of the leaves was lying. There are no leaves up near the satellite.) Today they sent us this in the mail:
Nice hair, Sid.
DirecTv, don’t make this hard on me by including pictures of Alex. (and WTF is up with all these rumors that he is no longer called “Ovie” and instead goes by “Ovi”? I am NOT calling him “Ovi.” He always has been, and forever shall be, “Ovie.” What else am I supposed to do? I’ve got to spell it the same way the tat I got on my back is spelled!
JK about the tattoo. Unfortunately.
It’s the burning question, Dear Readers. Underneath all the talk of sticking to the system and solid defense and soft goals, the one question that’s still on everyone’s mind is this: will the Buffalo Sabres suck this year?
It’s a difficult question to answer. Personally, I think they won’t. Every single guy on that team (with the exception of a certain Max Afinogenov) is incredibly talented, and I truly believe they have it in them to be great. Last year was the worst experience in my entire freaking life a little frustrating, but I think it was just a little blip. That’s why I am going to go out on a semi-limb here and make this prediction: the Buffalo Sabres will finish second in the Northeast Division. You heard me right. The Canadiens are looking pretty good (and since I think it would be really cool if they won the cup this year), but the Sabres could easily finish behind them in the division. I know Boston is rumored to have gotten better, but still. This is Boston. They aren’t exactly the Detroit Red Wings of the Eastern Conference.
Offense isn’t a problem with the Sabres. It wasn’t a problem with the whores, and we saw last season that it isn’t a problem without them. It’s the defense that killed us. The defensemen need to step up and protect their goalie, and the goalie needs to sharpen his game a little bit. It doesn’t help that Ryan Miller was EXHAUSTED by the end of the season. He played way too many games down the stretch. I really hope Patrick Lalime is as reliable as everyone is saying he’ll be, because otherwise it’ll be another long, playoff-less year.
I have no issues with the coaching staff. Lindy Ruff represents.
It’s also reassuring that there are no contract negotiations to worry about. I don’t care what the guys were saying in the dressing room. The whore formally known as Soupy screwed everything up with his negotiations. Pommer, Crunchy, and Goose are locked down, and all is right in Contract Negotiations World
I really hope that the excruciatingly long off-season taught the Sabres a lesson, and that come October 10 they’ll be ready to go. I know that tonight there is a preseason game, but I’ll be honest with you: I don’t usually waste my time listening to preseason games. The hockey is boring because no one wants to get hurt, and none of the regulars even play. I might be a little worried if the Sabres lose all their preseason games, but I’m not going to freak out. That doesn’t happen until those two points are on the line.
Besides, Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill are on tonight!
P.S. I don’t have the autographs because Corinne was sick today, but I’m a little more worried about my friend’s health than a signed sheet of paper, so I can wait. For now.
P.P.S. Corinne also confirmed the rumors: Ryan Miller got HOT over the summer. While I am happy that he is no longer an anorexic twig, I would just like to point out to all you new, female Ryan Miller fans out there: I loved him back when he was ugly. I loved him when he ate two grapes and a cheesestick every day. I even secretly loved him when he was sucking, and Ryan knows all this. Just keep that in mind, ladies. Ryan knows who loves him for what’s on the inside.