So. Nathan has been returned to Portland, but Timmy made the cut. As much as I love my little Gerbe Derby, TK was better than him in the preseason. Darcy, I approve.
Mike Weber has also been returned, and while I’m sure he’s pissed as hell, his preseason performance makes me think he needs a bit more time getting ready for the NHL. He bugged me.
As I’m writing this Tyler hasn’t been sent back to juniors yet, and I think this is a good thing. I’m not saying he’s ready for full-time NHL duties yet, but he at least needs those nine days to see what he has to do improve on. With Toni and Drew hurt, the least we can do is give him a chance.
Supposedly Jose is starting tomorrow night in Boston. This really angers me. Varly for starter!!!
Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. It’s just the artwork for this week’s chapter in our Latin textbook offers so many possibilities for inappropriate jokes. There are two women sitting next to each other and it appears as though they’re watching each other lovingly and feeding each other grapes. Then there are the sexual poses SEVERAL of the men are striking on their reclined chairs as they stare across the mensae at each other with looks that can only be described as lustful. Then there’s the porcus, who is for some reason lacking the customary apple in the mouth. I coined the title of this post when we noticed that Titus, the alcoholic older brother who arrived late, was staring at another man’s private area right near the apple-less pig. I love Latin. You all have no idea. I have been called the Alexander Ovechkin of Latin (or Wayne Gretzky, *winkTwihardwink*). We got our review schedule for the N.L.E. (National Latin Exam) today and I am pumped. I might have to skip one of the reviews, though, because it’s on my birthday and I have to come home and do homework make myself beautiful for the hockey game that night. Bummer.
The Super Bowl yesterday wanted to kill me. It really did. I…just… ARGH! STUPID DAMN CARDINALS COULDN’T HOLD ON FOR THE BIGGEST FREAKING COMEBACK IN FREAKING SUPER BOWL HISTORY. CARDINALS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH TODAY?!!? It was terrible. First, my beloved teacher was wearing his NEW Roethlisberger jersey, because one simply isn’t enough. He clearly doesn’t care about his authentic jersey (and it’s authentic. I made a smartass comment to him about it before the bell and while the sarcasm flew over his head and out the door, he informed me that it was as authentic as a jersey could possibly be), however, because he spilled coffee right down the white front. He dug up a Tide-To-Go stick to try and clean it, but it didn’t work. He’ll just send it out for dry cleaning. He informed us that he did have to wipe away a tear when the Cardinals scored late, prompting his wife to tell him that he’s pathetic. Later in the class, he did a little jig and let us all know that we could never understand his love for the Steelers. He just loves them so much. I even have a quote, verbatim, to show you how much he loves them:
“I love the Steelers so much. You guys can’t even begin to understand it. I really just want to gather them all into my arms and give them a huge hug.”
Yeah. Just in case you forgot, this is the man who also proudly wears a Pominville jersey. I was wiping away my own tears by the end of the period, except mine were of mirth.
Craig Hartsburg was fired. Good grief. It’s about time, Ottawa. Was it the terrible game against the Caps yesterday that prompted you to can him? Because that’s pretty much what the Sens have looked like all year long. And I don’t really think a new coach is going to turn the franchise around. In case you hadn’t noticed, they have almost the exact same team they had in the Cup Finals a few years ago, minus an angry goalie and a few other spare parts.
Speaking of that game yesterday – that Caps game that was ridiculously awesome and totally hilarious? – I just wanted to reassure anyone worried about me that I haven’t given my heart to a total badass who would be a bad influence. On the contrary, my man hits the hay around eight the night before an afternoon game.
The Canadiens’ jerseys yesterday were really bad. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Mikey Mike got called back up! Woo! Ahh! The Sabres’ defense is almost comical at this point, but hey, we need them to stay strong. There are another critical two points on the line tonight. The Sabres need to pad their spot in the standings especially now that Carolina has come back up out of NOWHERE and is occupying the spot two points behind. I…won’t be watching the game tonight. I’d like to, but if I’m expected to lead a debate team at seven in the morning tomorrow, staying up until midnight watching hockey probably isn’t the best idea.
Go Sabres! Don’t get all pissy on me and purposefully lose because I’m not watching. Remember, I have secondary teams and I’m not afraid to use them.
Um, why is Craig Rivet captain? I mean, he’s new. And he didn’t even want to come to Buffalo. And he likes Hannah Montana. (I don’t care if you have a six year old, Craig. Admitting to liking Hannah is inexcusable.)
And why did his teammates vote for him? That’s kind of…stupid. Seriously, guys? What about Teppo, the resident sexy veteran? What about POMMER? He hands out CUDDLES when you do something good. DON’T YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE SYSTEM?!?!
Whatevs. I’m totally over Craig Rivet. I’ll just have to do a little mental photo-shop on Friday night to superimpose a C on Pommer’s jersey. It’ll work.
And I’m totally going to miss Mike Weber. He and I will always have Peanut Heaven.
The very first guy in the video graduated from OPHS last year. He does a lovely cover of “Yellow.”
First of all, I would just like to say that The Glass Passenger is the BEST album I have ever heard, bar none. Give ARM a hand! (Hehe. Aren’t I so witty?) It’s incredible, Andrew McMahon at his best. Those $6 for two day shipping were $6 well spent.
I mentioned once before that I have never met a real hockey player. I was discussing this with Corinne the other day after she had said that she was too shy when she met Petey to tell him that: a) my dad and his brother are BFFs, and b) Odd Jobs is her favorite Youtube video ever. This got us going, and we then had a few laughs when we came up with all the random, stupid things I would do if I met certain hockey players. Below are the things I would most likely do or say if I ever ran into one.*
The first thing I would say to him is “Hey, thanks for being my Facebook friend! I’m the one with the toothbrush.” Then I would tell him that even though my dad went to Boston University, I still think he totally rocks.
The whole time I would be slouching over so the poor dear doesn’t realize that I am only half an inch shorter than him.
I would also thank Tyler for being my Facebook friend (did I tell you? He accepted!) and tell him that I was the one with the toothbrush. Then I would tell him how cool he was for not changing his security settings so that I couldn’t see his profile. It’s not like I’m going to write creepy things on his wall. It’s just interesting seeing all his pictures.
I would just give him a hug and tell him that even though Ovie is my favorite, I would always have a soft spot for him. Then I would tell him that there are a lot of guys at my school who are Sidney Crosby fan boys.
I would probably faint (I am infamous for fainting. I’ve done it in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in church and in a hottub). Then I would tell him that his initials meant “I love” in Latin. Then I would attempt to make some witty comment about the Capitals being my second favorite team, but since I would be in the presence of a GOD, I would probably just do something stupid.
I would tell Petey how his brother knew my dad and then I would let him know that I thought Odd Jobs was hilarious. After that I would tell him that my grandma thinks he is “stunning.”
I would tell Mike that I also believe in Peanut Heaven.
I would tell him that not only is he the cuddliest Sabre on the team, he also has AWESOME taste in music (while I refuse to listen to Russian techno-pop, I’ll definitely listen to French pop.)
Then I would ask him why the hell the Green Bay Packers were his favorite team growing up, since he was up in Quebec and was a hockey player and everything.
I’ll try to be all funny about it and say, “Haha, it’s the most random thing, my grandma keeps telling me she thinks we should get married. Isn’t that so cute?”
And then I would anxiously wait for his response.
I would let Geno know that I, too, enjoy eating spaghetti.
I would tell Crunchy that I LOVE his blogs and that I would DIE without Breakaway Berrier (and I would try to refrain from using my line, “Ryan Miller tastes delicious”), and then I would just stand there basking in the glow of Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend and try not to stare at his guns.
I would say, “You suck, you know?” and then I would run away before the Russian Mafia could get a good luck at my face.
I would say that even though he was a St. Franny’s boy, and therefore I am supposed to dislike him very much, I totally love him. Then I would tell him that I couldn’t agree more that the Bills are being totally awesome.
*It goes without saying that all these things would happen after I soiled my pants and squealed like an angry hamster.
P.S. Roberto Luongo got named the captain in Vancouver. How can this be? Goalies aren’t allowed to be captains. Didn’t we deal with all this last year with Crunchy?
P.P.S. I’ve gone back to my theory of “the preseason doesn’t count.” Instead of talking about how much last night’s game SUCKED, my mom and I discussed the debate tonight. I came to the conclusion that if Palin starts looking really unqualified (by that I mean even more unqualified than she already appears to be), she’ll probably just pull that ol’ gun of hers on Biden.
…Pan-Am Flight 103 blew up over Scotland because Kadaffi of Libya was PMSing. There. I just have to remember that for the test tomorrow and I should be okay.
I literally have about 30 seconds before I have to go take a shower and have my violin lesson and study before Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill start tonight, so I have just a few things to say today.
- As further proof that I am dyslexic (or maybe just retarded or something), I for some reason thought that Michael Funk wore 4 last year when Weber wore 34. I was wrong. My favorite flounder man (Nolan Pratt totally looked like a flounder, his eyes were so close to his nose!) wore 4 last season. Talk about out of sight, out of mind, eh?
- Patrick Lalime’s kids are SO FREAKING ADORABLE. My God. I don’t think mine and Pkane’s kids’ll be that cute, which is saying something, because our kids are going to be AMAZING.
- Not only does Patrick Lalime have really cute daughters, he also seems like he might be a reliable backup, which has me confuse since I’m so used to freaking out about backups.
- Mr. Frederick is the BEST English teacher ever because he basically told me what to say for the literary techniques part of my essay. He seemed to realize that I don’t really give a flying fuck about Chinua Achebe and Things Fall Apart.
- I flipped through the new ESPN Magazine in the library today instead of studying, and while I don’t have the proper time now to devote to the article, I must say that ESPN really surprised my by not putting out a completely sucky article. It wasn’t as random as some of the other ones I’ve read, but it also didn’t completely suck. Well done, ESPN. Well done. (And well done to whoever styled Ovie for the picture on the inside, where he was looking all foxy and presidential. And more warm fuzzies to whoever set up that picture with Semin [I think it was him?], Backstrom, and Clark looking like secret service agents with hockey sticks. That was HILARIOUS.)
- The Buffalo Bills are officially badass. Trent Edwards, welcome to my heart. Y’all better not break it.
So since it’s Friday and we had early dismissal I actually had a chance to BREATHE this afternoon, before I dove into the shitload of homework I have, I downloaded the Media Guide. I have to say, overall, there weren’t too many surprising things in there. Everyone loves chicken and rice/pasta, U2 and DMB are amazing, their parents are the most influential people in their lives, and they’ve been playing hockey forever. A few notes from my quick read-through:
- Tim Connolly is smiling. I…I just don’t understand that. And apparently he would own a winery if he wasn’t a hockey player. (I really liked seeing what a few of the players would be doing if they weren’t hockey players)
- WTF, Pkaleta? Kaltsy? Kaltsy? That is the most RANDOM nickname I have ever heard. I’m going to agree with Anne and just assume that the players just take part of their name and add -sy. But I still think Kaltsy is the most retarded nickname ever.
- I think it’s really cute that all Patrick Lalime had to say about himself is that he and his wife, Marie-Helene, have two daughters whose names are Liliana and Rosemary. They sound like names of elves in the Inheritance Trilogy Cycle (which, by the way, I finished. :’( The first 600 pages were terrible, but the last 200 made up for it, in my opinion).
- Tony Lydman’s picture is, well, classic Toni Lydman.
- Clarke MacArthur’s picture makes my kind of wonder why I thought he was so hot last year. His hair, it’s just so…ew.
- Adam Mair basically wants to STEAL MY HEART (sorry M.J.) by telling me that if he wasn’t playing hockey, he would probably be a teacher. Why don’t you just go end genocide in Darfur while you’re at it, Adam.
- Oh, Crunchy. How I love you so. (I think they used the exact same interests/hobbies thing from last year, which makes me think they are slackers. I have also been operating under the assumption that since Rachel McAdams is his favorite actress, he will watch The Notebook with me whenever I want and come with me to see The Time-Traveler’s Wife. Especially since according to Drew Stafford, guys actually like chick flicks.)
- I love how Petey listed his brother as one of the most influential people in his life, since here at Frostee’s House we LOVE Geoff. He’s basically awesome.
- Pommer’s favorite team growing up was the Green Bay Packers (if it turns out he is one of those Brett Favre fan boys, I am taking his picture off The Wall), and the best concert he ever went to was Justin Timberlake (first of all, I thought Kanye was his favorite! And second, according to my friend Erin, who ran into him at that very same concert, he claims “Soupy had an extra ticket and made me come!” The poor dear.)
- Craig Rivet’s biggest pet peeves are cockiness and arrogance, but I really don’t care what he has to say because he doesn’t even wanna be in Buffalo. If his play shows that, I will have to burn down his house.
- We’ve already figured out that Derek Roy loves his boat, “Love Potion #9″ (I’m going along with the theory that Petey named it. It seems like something he would do), but did you know that he also likes playing cards and vids? Derek Roy is a gamer. Who’da thunk?
- Staffy is smiling as well. I’m not sure if I like the new, happy versions of Drew Stafford and Tim Connolly. Zach Parise is his favorite athlete (awww!!!) and he collects arcade games (hmmm). And what the hell is up with D-Money?
- Henrik Tallinder, call me sometime and we’ll watch Shrek. (Shrek, man? Shrek? That’s amazing.) And is it just me, or is saying that he’d be a ski instructor if he wasn’t a hockey player very Swedish of him?
- Whoever cut Thomas Vanek’s hair should be killed. Is he harboring some sort of secret desire to look like his little froufrou dog? (Frostee’s Dad literally choked on his drink when I told him this. We have a yellow lab, after all, and he very much dislikes small dogs)
- If someone finds me a picture of “Webs” boating with Derek Roy, I think I will die laughing.
- Not only is my BFF Gerb-dogg rocking a soulpatch, he also looks incredibly cuddly. If I ever meet him, I think I will have to cuddle with him (in a totally friendly way).
Scene: Frostee and her dad are sitting right up in front of the TV in the basement. They don’t get the NHL Network since they didn’t renew Center Ice since they’re switching to FiOS, but when they put on the DirecTv sports mix they can watch it in a tiny little box in the corner. They are squinting at the television trying to figure out who is who. Suddenly, the player wearing the ‘C’ takes off his helmet, revealing a shiny bald head.
Frostee: What the HELL?
Frostee’s Dad: Who is it?
Frostee: WHO gave TIM CONNOLLY the ‘C’??
Frostee’s Dad: How can you even tell? He’s like two inches tall.
Frostee and Frostee’s dad continue to watch the game, but remain in shock over Lindy Ruff’s apparent brain aneurism. Why else would he have named Tim Connolly the captain? (Unless…Timmy, WHO did you sleep with to get that ‘C’? That was nasty. You know Pommer wouldn’t do that!!) Suddenly, the commentator (why doesn’t NHL Network use RJ? RJ ROCKS!) says how Gerbe is on the ice, and is proving how wonderful and fabulous he is.
Frostee’s Dad: Which one is Gerbe?!?
Frostee: The small one!
Frostee frowns as the commentator mentions Mike Weber and the camera shows a guy in a 4 jersey. Mike Weber was 34 last year, she was sure of it.*
Frostee: Who is the retard doing play by play? Funk is 4, Weber is 34. God.
Frostee’s Dad: Which one are they talking about?
Frostee: The small one! But wait…that can’t be…but it is! Why is Mike Weber wearing the 34?? That is complete and total BULLHONKY.
Hilarity ensues again when one of the Canadiens gets sent off to a penalty box that was built for a five year old. There may or may not have been tears of mirth as the player had to stand on the seat in the box so they could close the door.
Frostee: Oh my God.
Frostee’s Dad: He can’t fit in the box!!
A hush falls over the room when TimmyHo is drilled head first into the boards.
Frostee: Well, that’s the shortest season I’ve ever seen.
Frostee’s Dad: Wait, he’s getting up!
And just when the women of Buffalo thought they were safe.
More hilarity ensues in the third period, when Gerb-dogg scores and then celebrates with TimmyHo. Poor Gerb-dogg came up to TimmyHo’s elbow.
Frostee’s Dad: This game had better not go into overtime.
Frostee: Why would they do overtime? It’s such a waste.
Frostee’s Dad leaves the room for a while, then comes back.
Frostee’s Dad: I just checked a map. Roberville is up near the Arctic Circle. They literally had to drive to the middle of nowhere to get to the game.
Just when Frostee and Frostee’s Dad thought the Sabres might work their magic and score the tying goal in the dying seconds of the game, the referee who was smoking weed in between periods decides to drop the puck while Royzie is still over by the bench. Anyone who sends me that referee’s head on a plate wins a Reader Award.
Frostee: Did he just…?
Frostee’s Dad: I think he just dropped the puck without a Sabre!
Frostee: What the HELL.
And that about sums up the game.
*I figured out a few days later that Nolan Pratt wore 4. Heehee. Sorry ’bout that.
Today in math, quite a few of the kids were wearing Sabres gear (including myself) in honor of the start of training camp, and my teacher jokingly asked one kid if he wanted to buy a Drury jersey. Naturally, the boy recoiled in disgust, and Mr. Senn promised that he was just joking. He then went on to say, and I quote, “Nah, I’m just going to take off the three and put on a nine and turn it into a Pominville jersey.” I know. My married, male, football coach math teacher is planning on wearing a Pominville jersey to games. WTF?
When I opened up the depth chart today online, I realized that I don’t pay one bit of attention to defenders on the ice, unless his name is Toni Lydman and he sucks. Therefore, this analysis is not going to be very good, and I promise that I will pay more attention this year. (This might be because I haven’t seen Sabres hockey since freaking MARCH. That is TOO LONG)
Last season was: AWESOME when he faked out Marty, but otherwise a bit frustrating.
This season should be: solid defense.
I will admit, I can not get too mad at Henrik after the shootout against New Jersey. Honestly, I haven’t seen anything quite as badassed as that in a very long time. But he needs to learn how to defend the freaking goalie the rest of the time. I vaguely remember being mad at him for not doing that.
Last season was: ….. (how the fuck am I supposed to do that? I can not remember ANYTHING from last season other than hating losing. Not making the playoffs is not good for me. Jaro, tell me, what did you do last year? I remember you scoring the first goal of the season, but I also remember the Sabres losing that game. WHAT DID YOU DO?!!?)
This season should be: solid defense.
Just…don’t leave Crunchy alone. I get that he sucked out loud most of the time last season, but sometimes it was because YOU and YOUR FELLOW DEFENDERS were not doing their JOB.
Last season was: sucky.
This season should be: solid defense. (see a theme?)
Toni Lydman does not know how to play defense. I lost all faith in him last year, and he better be AMAZING in the first game this year, because that’s all I’m giving him. Three periods to prove me wrong.
Last season was: spent in San Jose.
This season should be: solid defense, and veteran leadership.
I tacked on the veteran leadership for him because that’s supposedly why we got him. God knows we need some more on-ice leadership. We also need some solid defense. Craig, you better DELIVER.
Last season was: ehh
This season should be: I’m not really sure.
Nathan Paetsch is another one of those guys I don’t really care about. I also know that if Mike Weber was to replace him on the roster then he would have to clear waivers before he could go to Rochester Portland, and everyone keeps talking about how we can’t risk that, but are they serious? Because, from what I can remember, (fuck you, Sabres, for not making the playoffs. I have enough to remember without having to remember how NATHAN PAETSCH, of all people, played last year), losing him doesn’t seem like it would be SUCH a travesty. But maybe that’s just my opinion.
Last season was: totally awesome.
This season should be: totally awesome.
After showing just how awesome he is during the end of last season, Andrej Sekera is most definitely feeling the love. I have complete confidence in him. I’m not worried at all.
Last season was: also pretty awesome.
This season should be: pretty awesome.
Time to tell you all a secret: I actually don’t really care all that much if Nathan Paetsch gets snatched up on waivers (because he’s such a hot commodity), if it means that Mike Weber makes the roster. I LOVE Mike Weber. In spite of his awkward interviews, I still think he is the shiz. And that peanut heaven comment only made me love him more. (Since The Buffalo News is RETARDED, they don’t have archives going back that far. Maybe they didn’t want evidence of that EMBARRASSING loss to Montreal [it's actually the one that forced us to put Little Ryan on the deck]. Or maybe they just don’t want easy access to archives. I bet it was Bucky’s idea.)
Um, why is Teppo Numminen not on the depth chart? Hmm???
Teppo Numminen (take THAT, sexy depth chart)
Last season was: spent with his chest cracked open.
This season should be: all Teppo, all the time!
I love Teppo Numminen just as much as I love Mike Weber. He’s old, but he’s a foxy type of old, like Harrison Ford. When he almost cries, it’s hilarious and endearing at the same time. (quite unlike when Ovie cries, because then I usually fall out of my chair due to my hysterics) Now that he’s all healthy, he can be more of that solid defense and veteran leadership we need. He’ll also probably give Pommer a run for his money in the captain competition.
So, I mentioned in the title of the post how Ryan Miller will probably lose an arm. I actually have a perfectly logical explanation for that. You see, my dad and I were talking earlier about the upcoming season (just like in Crunchy’s house, my dad is the hockey expert here. The only difference is that I don’t call my dad by some cutesie name. I just call him Dad). I pointed out that this will be a massively confusing season for Sabres fans. We have no players who need heart surgery. All our key players are under contract. What will we do without contract situations to stress about? Who will we talk about if no one needs a heart valve replaced?! We have NOTHING to distract us from hockey. What the HELL are we supposed to do? I’m a relatively young fan, and I’ve always had to worry in the offseason. Two years ago it was the whores formally known as Drury and Briere, last year it was Teppo and the whore formally known as Soupy, and even Crunchy! (at least, I was worried about Crunchy. I don’t know about anyone else). EVERYTHING has been going swimmingly thus far, and therefore something very bad is going to happen very soon. My money is on Crunchy losing an arm, Royzie having a majorly bad hairday, and Pommer breaking his neck. Nothing this good can last.
This is the seventh round of cuts in a series where I decide who will be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.
Two things before I get cuttin’:
- I am wearing my Winter Classic shirt, since it cooled down enough for me to get away with long sleeves. There is actually an interesting story behind this shirt. By the time we got to Ralph Wilson Stadium at 11, all the short-sleeved gray t-shirts I had had my eye on were sold out, so I had to settle for a light blue long-sleeved one. It’s a very pretty shirt. But I guess that wasn’t a very interesting story.
- Since when are Trix cereal just little spheres? Half the fun of eating Trix is seeing all the little fruit shapes!
Oh, and I’ll be cutting three people today, because I feel like it.
Jaro, I have this bad habit of, well, making fun of you whenever you talk. I wouldn’t be able to take anything you says seriously.
Drew, as a player, you rock. The only thing is, you kind of scare me. Just, do more stuff like this, and we’ll be good.
Um, he looked better when they were interviewing him toward the end of the season. So…yeah. But, Mike, I promise, we’ll always have Peanut Heaven.
And those are today’s cuts! I have no idea how many I’ll have tomorrow. We’ll just have to wait and see!
We now have Breakaway Berrier in the house again. There is Breakaway Berrier in the house.