This is the twelfth round of cuts in a series where I decide who will be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.
(1) Last night, my dad threatened Little Ryan, after we had decided that the Sabres have what it takes to be second in the division as long as you-know-who delivers. Little Ryan was warned that we’ve put him out on the deck in the snow before, and we aren’t afraid to do it again. Mini Alex just nodded in agreement.
(2) I decided that while Ovie-in-a-speedo is pretty nice, it will never, ever beat Darling Michael-in-a-speedo.
(4) I may or may not have included the above items for the sole reason of me being able to look at more pictures of Michael Phelps.
For today’s cuts, I’m going to do something different. As you may know, the Sabres have signed quite a few players to fill out the roster in Rohester Portland since I started this competition. Since they are technically members of the Buffalo Sabres, they are eligible to become Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.
The following players have been cut from the competition to become Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend:
Sorry, guys. I don’t really go for your types.
Hell yeah! This is more like it! Not only does it mean that hockey is almost here, it also makes me realize that the Sabres aren’t totally screwed! Note to Royzie and Vanek: You guys rock. Just keep doing what you do best, and Vanek, leave the fighting and toughness to guys who know how to do it. (But no, this does not mean I’ll put you back in the FSB competition. You betrayed me, and I don’t forget betrayal.)
Oh, Patty. I love you so much. This is hard for me. You bring an element of toughness that this team needs, and your first NHL fight was against my favorite pain-in-the-ass-spleen, Sean Avery. You’re adorable, you went to St. Franny’s (and therefore should be my enemy, but how could I hate you?), you’re a B-lo boy, Adam Mair takes care of you, it’s all wonderful! (Actually, here at TFF Headquarters we want to see a Youtube video of you and Adam talking about how he watches over you, a la Andrew Peters and Derek Roy)
That being said, I have two reasons why you can not be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend:
(1) You are still involved with Rochester Portland, and it’s hard to tell people that your Sabres Boyfriend is chillin’ up in Portland. Whenever you come hang with the Sabres, I always tell people you are my favorite Sabre (I think you and Crunchy were tied last year for being Frostee’s One Night Stand the most. Thomas Vanek was a close second, during the second half of the season). I’m just not sure how a long-distance relationship would work.
(2) Whenever I google image search you, this picture comes up. (And leads back to here, apparently.) Thing is, that picture makes me like Evgeni Malkin less and less, and, of course, there’s the whole issue of me going temporarily blind every time I see it. Put that thing away, Evgeni. There are children on the internet.
Holy shit, Ovie. Why don’t we see you in speedos more often?
I’m thinking he should stick to hockey.
…Which is not something I usually do. They are discussing Sarah Palin being chosen as McCain’s running mate. I should tell you right now, I very much dislike John McCain. (And I HATE this blonde bitch who works on his team. This lady makes me not want to go into politics, even though the career test I took last year listed politics in my top ten. [In my top forty was sports official, because apparently I wouldn't be biased at all.] Nancy, go away. You are not winning John any support.)
Back to Governor Palin. She is making me like her, and I do not like this. As I am too young to vote, I think I am allowed to get pissed when she goes, “Oh, I’m just a hockey-mom.” No, Sarah. Do not use the hockey-mom line. And WTF, Ohio? I’d bet my bobbleheads that 97% of the people who cheered when she said this don’t even know that Ohio has a hockey team.
I wonder if Scott Gomez will vote for her, since he’s from Alaska and all.
While I was watching this, I booted up the ol’ laptop and pulled up the Sabres website. You can image what a pleasant surprise it was to see that Pommer has updated his blog! I’m a little pissed that he has time to blog, but not sign a nice, long contract, but I’ll let it slide this one time. (And only this one time, Pommer. Sabre For Life, or I’ll cut you from the FSB competition.) Lots of warm fuzzies to Jake T of Lancaster, for asking Pommer what the weirdest thing he ever heard on the ice was, and even more warm fuzzies to whoever the hell said it.
“But probably the funniest thing I’ve heard on the ice was when I was in the American Hockey League and had long hair. Somebody yelled something at me like, ‘get a haircut poodle’ or ‘nice haircut poodle.’
“I can’t remember exactly but it was something like that. Whoever said it was on the bench and I actually turned around and laughed.”
Yeah. Note to whoever said that: Screw warm fuzzies. You have officially earned Frostee’s Unrequited Love. You rock.
I’m not very surprised to hear that Petey is loudest. He seems like he would be.
And it was so cute how he made a big deal out of staying up late to watch Darling Michael swim! It seems like staying up till eleven is big for him. I bet he had to ask his mommy if he could stay up past his bedtime.
And WHO let Pommer in to see ‘Step Brothers’? Who? That movie is not appropriate for Pommer. The poor dear is far too innocent to be exposed to those sorts of things!
This is the tenth round of cuts in a series where I decide who will be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.
A few things before I snatch away someone’s dream:
- My locker SUCKS. What the HELL did I do to offend you, God? Because I must have seriously pissed you off. You wouldn’t banish a good person to the motherfucking locker bay.
- Um, yeah, so, the Bills suck. The Bulls are okay, but the Bills just plain suck.
- Did anyone else get the sense, when watching Barack talk about his and Michelle’s education, that Michelle was acting almost like a pageant mom? IDK. They showed her and she nodded, shook her head, and then mouthed “That’s right.” It seemed a bit pageant mom-ish to me. And last night was actually the first time my dad promised me, “Change is coming to America,” when he said goodnight.
- Okay, when is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live? Because my all-time favorite person is hosting. I’m really not sure if Dear Michael can handle it, but I might make an exception and not be too mean about it if he kinda sucks. Warm fuzzies to him for trying.
- Summer has been good to you, Crunchy. I’m liking the whole barefoot-thing. And is it just me, or did you bulk up a bit? I told you, that beer and pizza diet works wonders!
Okay, today’s cut:
(I promise, I did not plan it that in the TENTH round I would eliminate the player who wears number TEN. I swear God! I swear ma mom!)
Ah, Henrik. Henrik, Henrik, Henrik. You’re wonderful, really, you are. You have a winning smile, you appear to be charming, and you are SO badassed. I have never seen anything quite as badassed as you faking the shorts off of Marty Brodeur. I especially love how when you google image search “henrik tallinder,” this picture shows up. (God, I love the Lundqvist twins. I do not care that Henrik players for the Rangers. He and Joel are SO HOT.)
I just have one concern, Henrik. It may be silly, but you never know. See, I’m kind of afraid that you might…well…rape me. Yeah. And I’m even more afraid that you and Andreas Lilja and Kristian Huselius might get together and gang rape me. I understand that all charges have been dropped, but you never know. Swedish sex scandals are not taken lightly here at TFF. And, of course, you were banned from playing in Turin in 2006, and as we all know, I live for Olympic hockey. Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend does NOT get banned from the Olympics. It just does not happen.
There are only a few players left! Keep reading to find out who will get to be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend!
Yes, Dear Readers, Mama Ovechkin. To be perfectly honest, sometimes I think she’s my favorite of the Ovechkins. When they had this article on SI.com, I emailed it to a ton of people because I thought it was so cool, and the general reply was gushing about how decidedly awesome she seemed. When our neighbor met Mini Alex and made a crack about getting a Mrs. Ovechkin bobblehead, I told him her life story. It’s pretty cool, all that she’s done. It’s so cute how she takes care of her wittle boy.
It certainly seems like she has great game-day fashion sense. To think that I wear skinny jeans tucked into Uggs, a Sabres t-shirt (Crunchy!!), and a baseball hat. Elbow length gloves? That’s hot, bitches.
I think she and I would get along really well, too, since she is “like a hen with her chickens, trying to protect, spreading her wings, keeping them together” (WTF?), and I will cut any bitch lady who goes near him.
Therefore, Reason #23 is in honor of Mama Ovechkin, as we all affectionately call her. Take good care of America’s favorite Russian for us!
Dear Readers, I have no idea who to cut next. I didn’t think I liked the Sabres this much. It’s surprising to me.
You may have noticed how I changed the theme. I got bored with the one I originally chose, but I’m not sure how long I’ll stay with this one. I’ll have to wait and see if I decide I like it.
I’m excited, because I’m this close to finishing Guns, Germs, and Steel. All I have left is the epilogue, and then all I have to do is 100 vocab terms and I’m done with Summer Work.
Joe Sakic signed a new, one-year contract with Colorado. I actually don’t give enough of a crap about the Western Conference to follow the Avalanche, but Joe seems like a classy guy. I didn’t really like how in the article on SI.com they compared him to Brett Favre. Brett Favre is an asshat, and Joe Sakic does not appear to be an asshat.
Speaking of football, two losers were waiting outside the gate to the parking lot at Ralph Wilson Stadium at 9:30 this morning. I get that we all love the Bills, but seriously, folks? It’s preseason, and it’s against the Lions. If you sell out against the Patriots, or the Giants, that’s one thing. A preseason game against the Lions is an entirely different story.
I don’t know why, but I love this picture of Ovie. Methinks it’s high time for another Reason. I’ll get on it.
This is the ninth round of cuts in a series where I will decide who will be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.
Dear Readers, I want to apologize again for touching the Stanley Cup, and for all the mess yesterday. I hope that we can put that in the past, and move on.
Today’s cut is…
Oh, Jochen. This was a hard decision for me. You’re a good leader, a steady player, an important part of this team. You even like to ride bikes, and I love bikeriding.
Maybe it’ because of the way you talk. I mean, Jochen, you look like a duck. No offense or anything. If you could just open your mouth a bit more…
I think it’s because you’re one of the few players on this team I can rely on, and I don’t want to distract you. Maybe? Ugh, this is so hard. Stupid Thomas completely threw me off yesterday. Sorry, Jochen. Let’s be friends.
While Frostee was being tortured at Guantanamo Bay being told by the dentist she has the makings of a cavity in one of her molars (WTF?!? I brush RELIGIOUSLY), Thomas Vanek released a statement to the media regarding her decision to cut him today.
“While I understand Frostee’s decision to cut me based on my performance in the past season, and I realize that it is confusing that her mother thought I was more attractive than Jason Pominville, I will not stand being accused of jinxing this team. I love the Sabres, and would never jinx them. Frostee was just saying that to keep people from learning her secret: she touched the Stanley Cup. It’s her fault that the Sabres didn’t make the playoffs, and I won’t let her get away with blaming this all on me.”
Aides at TFF Headquarters have been making calls all day to other players to hear their reactions to this startling news. Alexander Ovechkin was reached on his iPhone and had this to say:
“Frostee did not touch the Stanley Cup on purpose. I have spoken to her and she said that while at the Hockey Hall of Fame, her shoulder accidentally brushed up against Lord Stanley while her family was taking a picture with him. I’m not holding her accountable for the suckiness of the Buffalo Sabres.”
Jason Pominville could not be reached for comment (he is definitely missing), but Ryan Miller immediately jumped to Frostee’s defense, telling reporters from his Michigan home:
“Frostee may be one of the most dedicated fans we have, but it’s not her fault that we didn’t make the playoffs. Our team didn’t play well this season, and that’s why we didn’t make the postseason. If you want to blame someone for touching the Stanley Cup and jinxing us, blame me. I accidentally touched it last summer when Drew had it.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I know that this won’t affect my decision to remain in the competition to be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.”
Frostee arranged a press conference after her trip to the dentist. She wouldn’t answer the reporters’ questions, but had this to say:
Thomas Vanek has brought to the attention of the media the fact that I touched the Stanley Cup. I regret to confirm this accusation. It was not intentional. While I will accept responsibility for the failures of the Buffalo Sabres or even Washington Capitals in the future, I can not take the blame for the 2007-08 season. I did not accidentally touch Lord Stanley until this July, so this time it was totally your fault, Thomas.”
No players have yet dropped out of the Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend competition, and Frostee is still planning on continuing to cut players until she has found a Sabres Boyfriend.
This is the eighth round of cuts in a series where I decide who will be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend.
Two Three things before someone gets cut:
- No Country For Old Men is a great movie. Whoa. Once I got past Javier Bardem’s hair, I loved it. He was SO good. It was even okay that we had to watch on the retarded TV that was in black and white for some reason, because my mom doesn’t really like lots of blood. I need to read the book now, and I can’t wait until they make the movie of The Road. That was one of my many summer reading books and it was so good. The movie will be really dark.
- I am going apeshit over here, because we CAN NOT get FiOS. My mom hates DirecTv and wants FiOS as soon as it comes through, but that is not going to happen. Last night we were looking at the guide for the channels we’ll get in OP, and it was not good. No NHL Network. No NHL Package. No Versus. No MSG. It didn’t even look like we’d get the CW, and how else am I supposed to watch Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill? I made it quite clear to the parental units that if they expect me to continue living under this roof, we are not switching to a cable provider that doesn’t provide any freaking hockey. Aside from the fact that both of them love hockey, it is MY favorite thing to watch and I even run a freaking hockey blog, so no hockey coverage is out of the question.
- I just realized that Sunday was my half birthday. Happy Half Birthday to Me.
Well, now that I’m done venting, and I poured some milk to wash down my Toblerone (my eating habits are almost as bad as Ovie’s. Instead of Starbucks with my morning chocolate, I usually wash it down with a nice cold glass of milk), I can make another cut.
You knew it was coming, Thomas. It’s not because of this semi-sleazy picture, I promise. It’s not because of your fluffy little lapdog (but seriously, Thomas? A lapdog? A fluffy one?). It’s not even because my mom thinks you’re more attractive that Jason Pominville. (Yeah. During the playoffs last year [when I say "last year" I mean the 06-07 season. When they were still good. I will start referring to the upcoming season as "this season" and the sucky one that just ended as "last season" when training camp starts.] after he scored a goal and they showed him skating to the bench, my mom goes, “Oh, who’s that? He’s pretty cute!” This was minutes after telling me that no, Jason Pominville was NOT, in any way shape or form, adorable. I’m still kind of WTF-ing over this. Vanek is hot, but Pommer is not adorable? Huh? But I digress.) Thomas, I’m cutting you because you’re kind of a whore. Sure, you’re not a slag-faced one, and I get that you quietly had a good season, with 35 goals and a shitload of hat tricks, most of which were against Tampa Bay, but 35 goals does not warrant a $50 million paycheck. And it’s not very cool that Lindy has been having to yell at you. It probably has something to do with your attitude. Crunchy sucked this year, but you didn’t see Lindy yelling at him! And, of course, there’s the whole matter of you jinxing the Sabres. While at the time, we admired the passion with which you vowed a postseason for Buffalo, I now am starting to think it is because of your promise that we didn’t make it. Forget that we sucked. I think it’s all your fault.
So, you will not be Frostee’s Sabres Boyfriend this year. Maybe if you step up your game in the upcoming season, and get a haircut, we can talk. I just need to know you’re not a total whore, and you know how to actually shoot a puck.